“The only time that my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.”― Woody Allen
Woody Allen has always cracked me up. Funny how I laugh now, but when I was going through my divorce nothing seemed funny. All I could think about was “how am I going to make it through this without losing my kids and much of what I have worked for in the last 25 years”. If you are having doubts know that you will make it out the other side, but how you end up is determined by what you do now and what you want the other side to look like. I know it is hard to do when you are angry, sad and so unsure of what the future holds for you, just take a deep breath and trust that it will be ok.
You once trusted your feelings to guide you into a relationship and now that those feelings have been hurt or betrayed and you feel the doubt in every pore of your body. Those early feelings were by no means wrong for that place and time. Think back and remember how did it feel? For me, I know it is love when you feel the lightness of being and your heart is overflowing with joy. This is your true state, this is where you meet your truth. Just because this relationship has ended, the love is still inside you to express. It never left, it is just covered up in the drama of the change, plus you did your part to help cover it by keeping the heavy emotions like anger, frustration, sorrow, regret flowing out of you. This is OK, it is a natural part of the emotional transition that you are going through expressing and feeling deeply. The concern arises if you are still feeling the depth of the emotions some 3, 5 or 10 years later.
Looking back I think the worst part of this whole situation is I even forgot how to love myself. So, the question is how do you come back to that place of openness and trust. A place where you knew in your heart that you are whole and have boundless love for those in your life and yourself. You feel it in everyday activities and most important you trust yourself and your decisions. If this is the ideal and you have never been like this, what you are going through is a terrific catalyst to move you deeper into you own knowing and love. I have seen many people transition to be more than the sum of there marriage.
Now in this place you find yourself, you feel lost, unsure and groundless. The vision of the future you once had has been shattered and you don’t know what the future looks like…except maybe bleak and unsure and that scares you. Maybe the only thing you know is that you don’t want to be having to go through this shit, but you know it is going to get harder before it gets any easier. You may be right, but then again maybe not.
You see at this present moment in time you have a choice to make. A choice that will not only affect you but everyone around you including your children if you have them. This is why this moment is important. You have two choices, the first in to go through this like an emotional dinosaur trying to get back at the person or people that hurt you or go through this with your eyes wide open with an intention to make the changes you need to make in order to come out a more caring, loving and compassionate person than when you started.
Seek out this place and discover your knowingness by trusting that at first you will not have all the answers. This process is a discovery of feelings again and not the low energy feelings that keep you stuck. Your job is to recognize them and then let them go and you do this by forgiving yourself and the other person.
If this sounds somewhat familiar the truth is that there is nothing joyous let a lone orgasmic about going through any break up especially divorce. With so much emotion tied to the process getting back to what might be called normal can seem like an eternity.
If you are going through divorce or divorced and you laughed at Woody Allen’s one-liner then then you still have a part of you deep inside that is always whole which cannot ever be taken from you or messed with. If you didn’t like Woody Allen’s joke then maybe you don’t like Woody Allen. In which case you better stop reading now. Just kidding.
I wrote this guide to divorce to give you a step by step process on how I came to stop reacting and learned to respond and recognize what I was manifesting in my life from pleasure and pain to my relationship to fear. The goal is to have the awareness to unblock the layers of emotional weights like anger, fear, jealousy that keep you unbalanced, so that you are able to have the fear and debilitating emotions pass through you. When we stop reacting and start choosing our next moment we become authentic. How you come back to joy, innocence and creativity in our lives is the challenge and just part of living our lives as human.
Truth is divorce sucks but the steps I took helped me un-suck the whole process. I know un-suck is not a word, I should have used untangle the definition of which is; to make something complicated or confusing easier to understand & deal with.
This information was written to explore ways of gathering tools that are specific to coming through painful experiences from separation to divorce. Tools that will help you revise beliefs and old concepts of who you think you are and what you feel as you change because you are going to change for better or worse. As this process of divorce changes you, my hope is that with what I am going to share in this information of my journey will change you for the better, so that you will come back to a place of love. All of what I am sharing is what I experienced and insights I came to that helped me and my family and former wife move in a direction that I was proud of living.
If you are going through a divorce or already divorced, but struggling through the process and you just happened to come across this blog by accident, know that there are no accidents and you are much stronger than you imagine.
You may think that this is not true and just sign out…but you also thought at one time you would be married for the rest of your life to this person you once loved very deeply, but are now divorcing or divorced.
The funny thing is my former wife suggested I write this because of how we worked through our divorce and how I helped friends during their relationship troubles and divorces. By the way, I don’t say Ex since it seems to cancel out the relationship as if it was a mistake or never happened. I also believe things happen for a reason. One of the best is that she did give me two beautiful children which I love very much and we both became supporters of each other’s lives even though we are no longer married. My Former Wife will sometimes be abbreviated to M.F.W, besides she is also a BMF and a great mother to our children.
I have found that with any painful process of loss that we go through in life certain truths remain. For me I worked through many issues growing up that were very personal many of which I am going to share with you.
What I hope this information will give you is some insights into showing you that there is a way through it and that coming from a place of love is the fastest way to get to the other side, which is a place where you love yourself and are willing to love another again. I also think it is also the easiest way because you become more of your true self.
I hope to show that speaking from your power which is from deep within the heart gives you the courage and security of knowing that you are on the right path and that you will get through this much stronger.
This process is not easy and yes as I mentioned divorce sucks ass! What I am sharing is not about the softening of the masculine or feminine energies, but about the re-balancing of them from the pain and the change that divorce brings to a place where you stop reacting and start responding to your circumstances from a more expansive mind and heart.
For men, I believe that the old “men are men” way of living which is to not acknowledge your emotions and feelings is a perfect recipe for being a prisoner stuck in the ego coming from a place of fear and macho bullshit making you reactive or doing nothing and hoping for the best which in my mind is worst thing you can do. I believe it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when your actions and words are driven by your ego instead of from your intuition and heart. The people living in their egos I believe create a dull life void of true self love and vibrant experiences and connection with others.
You may get to the other side one day but wouldn’t you rather be proactive taking control of your thoughts and actions to get you there faster? Like most things in life that involve change sometimes the key is to know when to leave without saying anything more. Of course, this is easier said than done especially when you are furious at your old partner and want to shove hot coals up their How’s-it-goin.
What I am about to share worked for me and since I am a human the last time I checked, I would think that many of these ideas will work for you as well.
This whole process of divorce is about personal transformation a sort of reprogramming the you that was, into a stronger more courageous supportive and caring human being. How you act and react to what transpires and the roll you played be it positive or negative will affect how long it takes for you to come to your own truth. If you think you didn’t have a roll in how it unfolded and how you respond to what happens think again. So, with that being said I feel the best course of action is to be proactive. No one is a victim here, so take responsibility for the choices you’ve made (even the ones you didn’t) and the fact that at one time you were very much in love with this person or what you though was love, though now you may be totally heartbroken and maybe even feel hatred and regret for being with that person.
Paulo Coelho author of many books including his best seller The Alchemist, says that “living is an act of courage and that courage is an act of love”
Courage, I believe is an act of self-love, so if this is your first marriage and divorce and you are seeking answers then what I have to share will give you a guide post to coming through it with more self-awareness and love. Also, if you have been divorced more than once and you are looking for a new perspective on this process and why you keep going through it, I believe this information will help you move to a new way of seeing your patterns and new ways of experiencing life. This is my hope for you and all people in pain suffering from a loss.
Some of the first things you will see and feel about yourself are how you respond to stress and deep emotional heartache. Going through this process will bring up a whole new range of emotions that you will experience for the first time especially if you have children involved. Looking back now after all the anger and emotion has gone away the emotion that was part of the whole process was sadness. It seemed to be attached to everything back then. But know that the sadness which is strong at first after a while comes and goes and eventually fades away. No emotion can swallow you if you just get back up and try again and again.
If love is blind it can also feel like hell when the love you have goes away. Try to see both end of this emotional roller coaster from a distance. From how crazy we made ourselves when that first elation of loves arrow hits us right in the heart to being emptied to the bone, filled with loneliness, anger and just plain sadness. Some people want to be “In Love” so bad that they lose themselves which when it ends seems to create the kind of emptiness and shame that can only be felt when you are totally and ultimately alone. This emptiness can feel like you are falling out of control with no ground in sight. Know that this will pass and with the help of what I am going to show you should keep you more sure footed facing each moment and emotion as they come.
