For me it seems at times that my divorce was orchestrated to play out the way it did, so that I would learn the most about myself, or perhaps this was the awareness I had at times along with a knowing that I did not want to make myself suffer anymore. We humans can be so self-deprecating and our own worst enemies and we just don’t need to be. Fuck how we like to beat ourselves up. Some wear this pain like a badge of honor, know that this is bullshit too.
So be aware of the shit you tell yourself and the stories you tell to others about what you are going through.
Bitching is boasting and a complete waste of time-energy!
If you keep this one thought in mind it will limit the amount of self-inflicted pain you give yourself. If misery likes company it also likes to brag and see who is the bigger fool.
Einstein is thought to have said “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I don’t care if Einstein Bagels said this it is an interesting way of looking at life. Divorce will force you to look at things from a different perspective which I think can be a good thing. It will break you out of your comfort zone for sure and maybe even out of some self-defeating habits and thoughts.
If possible, I want to help others see that everything really is a miracle this is why I choose to see the universe as a supportive loving place and because of this it is easier for me to find a quiet mind and at times great joy at all twist and turn that come up. Because life will throw a shit storm your way, it is how you get through it and eat a shit sandwich now and then that keeps you moving forward which is the goal. To be able to continue to feel deeply and without regret about how you live your life is what makes you stronger. To be happy as you are and not getting too crazy seeking only pleasure, which is fleeting making you want more and more needy.
Now I’m not saying it’s easy because it was not. I know that attitude is everything because it has been demonstrated time and time again in my life. So, when those tough decisions and choices have to be made, I ask myself which one will give me the greatest chance of peace of mind? It may sound simplistic, but once you see some of the choices you make in anger and resentment you will see that this simple idea can save a lot of extra anxiety down the road. So, you can either choose to be right or choose to be happy as the old saying goes.
This saying also should be kept in mind when negotiating for what you believe is fair and right because at the end of the day you have to live with you and the choices you make. It’s this revelation (realization) which made me see that the only path I could take was the one that lead me to my own heart. Having this “My door is always open” policy for your own heart can seem stupid and terrifying. But, I ask you what is the alternative? I think having a guarded heart that is afraid to share itself is no way to live. I feel I have nothing to lose, because the reward is its own virtue, having deep meaningful relationships and connections that will expand our world is I believe one of the reasons we are here.
A Buddhist monk told a student that that was having a very hard time living in the moment that yes, the world will come at you like emotional waves crashing again and again sending you to the bottom face down with sand in your eyes, nose and mouth. You cannot drown in the emotion if you just get back up and do your best day by day. And after a while the waves do get smaller and smaller. So, when you are feeling like shit, tired and lonely with no way off the pain train. STOP! Take a deep breath get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other and just do something to move forward. It can be as simple as making your bed which I do because it starts the day with something you finish and there is nothing better than getting into a bed that is made. Strange I know but it is what I do.
All of these pitfalls and many, many more that individuals experience are circumstances or end results of you learning more about who you are in and out of a relationship. The wide variety of emotions you feel can have you stuck at times in a loop of the same thoughts, feeling and emotions feeling more lost and lonely and very angry at life. So how do you find a way back to love?
First it is having the awareness of what your ego tells you and others and listening to your heart and intuition to go beyond all the chatter and find what is the true meaning for you.
It interesting when I speak with divorced men and women just what they tell themselves about the other person, who was at fault, why it happened, how it could have been avoided or not. The stories we tell others is an excellent indicator of where you are in your process. For example, if you tell the story and still get very angry and emotionally put out you are still in the beginning phase of processing the emotional baggage of divorce. Although many people that have been divorced for many years can still feel the intensity of the emotions getting upset all over again as if it happened yesterday. If this is the case it would be a good idea to seek professional help.
If you currently seeing a marriage counselor or therapist great! If not, and you want to learn where you are in your emotional process of divorce and learn more about yourself and why it may have happened. I would suggest seeking out a good counselor who can help you uncover some of the reasons the relationship failed. If you are currently working with a counselor do it with trust and truthfulness because what you will get can be a great insight into your own personal struggles. Many of which may not even be related to your divorce. Because we were all raised differently and experienced many different situations and emotions from childhood to adulthood the issues we dealt with back then and the steps we now take most likely have a profound connection to how you were brought up.
Your closest relations growing up gave you a ringside seat into how people functioned or didn’t in a relationship. So, if you had both parents, one parent or a grandparent what we observe will many times instill in us the same behaviors on how we express our love. When you look into this for yourself what I believe you will find is a baseline to work from showing you your own special traits and behaviors that you may bring out in your future relationships. This awareness is invaluable in helping you make the changes you need to make as you work through this, it will also show you why you react is certain situations when dealing with your relationships. Gather the strength that is already part of who you are, just being here on this planet as a spirit wearing a skin suit. You were endowed with the gifts and perseverance to get through any hard ship. We are built for it!