“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody”. – Maya Angelou
This title has to do with moving through life with ease and a knowing that YOU are going to be all right. You have to trust that this will be the case.
Why? Because you won’t allow yourself to get hooked by the little stuff and because you have this awareness you don’t get crazy when the big stuff comes up. As the Buddhist way explains “You have a concerned detachment”. You are in the game, but are not so attached to the outcome that it makes you nuts.
In our society where everything and everyone has to be number one, you are no longer caught up for long periods of time in the illusion of life. You now put your focus on your heart and listening to your intuition. Since everything is infinite and change is the only constant, having the awareness that what you attach too and identify with leads to suffering will help you maneuver through the challenges of your life with an intention to move forward in a positive way even after divorce.
I know letting go is scary. It is the letting go each of us have experienced growing up, where we have fallen flat on our faces trying something new and different. Maybe it was the first time you rode a bike or pushed off from the side of pool when just learning how to swim or the rejection of a girl or boy that you have a mad crush on.
And I know that the idea of losing control and not having some influence to control our circumstances scares the hell out of most of us. Especially men, who have a real need to control their environment even with the little things like needing to hold the remote control when the TV is on or giving your opinion on something where no opinion was asked for.
This idea of control is the ghost in our mind, I think there is part of us that knows it, but having our false belief keeps us safe at least in our minds. We have a need for this “idea” of security in some form. But that too is an illusion and we will all come to know the truth when we leave this place.
Buddhist teacher Pema Chadron in her book “Start Where You Are” (pg97)” says that “One of the things that keep us unhappy is this continual searching for pleasure or security, searching for a little more comfortable situation, either at the domestic level or the spiritual level or at the level of mental peace”
The only way through all the stuff of our lives is to have an awareness of why we do the things we do. What is it that we believe about ourselves and the world around us? Examine your beliefs about everything and see how much of it is directly related to what you learned growing up and how much of it affects your decisions every day. Be aware or should I say beware of what your own mind chatter is saying, how much of it is self-deprecating how much have you closed your heart off too, so that you stay guarded not wanting to hurt like that again?
Question yourself on why do you tend to beat yourself up, and see what comes up for you. As I mentioned before, keep a journal and write down and keep track of the emotions that are whirling in your head, so that you can see for yourself what it is you are projecting onto the world. When you feel a heavy emotion come up feel the place in the body where this energy /emotion is concentrated in, and try to breathe through this and envision the feeling energy passing through you.
Author and teacher David Deida writes in his book The Superior Man; Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of man’s true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary. A man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.” Chapter 2 pg. 17.
I believe this is a man’s (and all peoples) treasure and true source of power to face this onslaught of emotions that pierce our heart like a wave of arrows coming at us and yet we stand true to our nature by continuing to feel the unending well of love that we possess. In facing my arrows, I would envision them passing through my body without me holding onto the emotional pain. I knew that the arrows where of my own making many times so after a while it became easier for the arrows to pass, eventually there were no more arrows. It you are to truly shift to a better place you must forgive yourself. This can be the hardest part especially if we get comfortable with our own pain. It is something that you know and it knows you. The quicker we can recognize it and forgive ourselves the sooner we can move forward in a more loving way.
Marc Ian Barasch nailed it for me when he wrote in his book “Field Notes on the compassionate life (pg. 214) that “at its most basic, forgiveness is an act of self-healing. I would rather have been hung by my thumbs than let bygones be bygones until I realized how much my burden of resentment was hurting me. Forgiveness begins with acknowledging one’s own pain, shame, and sense of failure; healing the shattered sense of self-worth; grieving the loss of faith in other people. To liberate ourselves from a hurt inflicted by another takes the psychological courage to open an old wound, evoke a painful memory, pull up a tangled skein of issues we’d rather keep under wraps”
These feelings happen all over the world and have been going on for centuries playing out in even larger scenarios between countries with the results being the same more death and destruction. An example of this is what psychiatrist Yitzhak Mendelshon says about this tit-for-tat attitude “People get hooked into a potent resentment that primes them for revenge and escalation. Hate becomes a way to create the illusion of power”.
Forgiveness like love for ourselves and others should be unconditional.
Know that once the pain subsides to a certain point and you stop obsessing over so many things you can’t control anymore you start feeling the love of self and others come to you in an easier and easier fashion. Start looking at the synchronicities in your life or as I like to call it driving in the divine lane where situations and circumstances at times just seem to flow. Stop overthinking everything and think divine life because it is.
I read somewhere that there are two things that will make you happy and sad, getting what you want and not getting what you want. As Eckhart Tolle said in his book “A New Earth “People “want to want more than we want to have”. I think this is true with anything in our lives that comes from a place of ego and self-interest and not love. Sometimes relationships may seem to come from a place of love but looking deeper we find that we are trying to fill a void in ourselves.
It takes practice every day to be committed to being present and connected to your higher self. Relationships are no different, it takes being honest, vulnerable, forgiving and open to however life unfolds staying true to your loving core.
THE BIG F WORD…forgiveness! I love what Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who chaired the Truth and reconciliation process in South Africa had said; “To forgive is the highest form of self-interest. I need to forgive so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my own being”
As humans we all want to connect with others to feel and experience ourselves as alive. The best way to show up is with an open heart and the courage to speak your truth because everyone yearns for connection and belonging. To be authentic and our truest self we must let ourselves be seen and love with our whole heart without any guarantee of return. This knowing of our own intrinsic joy and love that is our true essence is what make us feel alive. We have to believe that we are enough and be very kind and gentle with ourselves. We also must know what we do affects people because of this connection.
“ Love is the Pain of being truly alive” Joseph Campbell Bill Moyer interviews 1988
I know at times It may seem impossible to move forward especially when you are in so much pain, so how do you move on?
What I found was that I had to forgive myself first and then the other person for the things she and I said or did. If this seems impossible now be patient because things do change over time if you are willing to work on them.
It changed for me because I was tired of the battle within my head and I found it is easier to move to my natural state which is love.
Once you are ready for a change then what you will find is that you can bless the other person and send them love to live a whole and loving life without it seeming like you are losing some part of yourself or giving in. It is not giving in to the other person it is allowing you to give to yourself and with that the letting go of that energy that used to be so tied to that other person.
This is your gift to you and the world!
This shift opens up a whole new energy inside you and allows space to be created where the anger and bitter emotions once resided, and if you hold true, love will take its place. It’s funny, but love was always there it was just waiting for you to let it back in. As Thich Nhat Hanh says “Compassion is the key to forgiveness and moving to a place of love”– from Thich Nhat Hanh talks about compassion.
From this awareness you must also be thankful because it is the oil that lubricates the wheels of life to bring the abundance and love that you deserve to you. Give thanks for what you have during your day because it is leading you to a greater love of self and the world. Start with the little things a warm bed and house in the winter, a car that works a healthy body. You get the picture, pick anything and really feel it. It will make you feel good and actually blessed. It may sound strange but it is this state of grace & joy that will make your life magic again.
