After a period of time, if you are maintaining your awareness and have worked through much of the same emotional baggage that seemed to always be coming up in the beginning, then you may come to a crossroads. A place where you are done fighting and resisting and want to move forward in a way that doesn’t have all the pain and sadness tied to everything you do. The decision you have to make is; do you want to learn from what has taken place and move forward or do you want to stay in the drama and continue blaming or resenting the other person and maybe even yourself. This is what happened to me, I found that it was emotionally draining to keep negatively charged emotions and energy in my head and body all the time.
So, if you do want a different path you must learn from whatever emotional hooks come your way. If you do not want to change your mindset, I guarantee what you will get is more drama, less love and probably attract the same relationship you divorced.
Knowing that staying in the same mental state will only make you crazy is a great force for change and with the knowledge that life will begin again in each moment once you make a shift to see and act differently.
I have seen it happen many times that for those that don’t take responsibility for their actions they will continue to live in discomfort and draw to them the same pain energy in another relationship. It is about seeing how the universe works and what roll we play. The way it works is that we co-create our reality first in thought and then in actions. So, you have to be very aware of your beliefs and patterns of negative thoughts and try as much as you can to see the way you talk about yourself and other people. I know I keep harping on this; however, it is very important point and critical to your evolution and I believe the planets.
Think about what you wish to manifest in your life and co-creating with the Universe? Your life will reflect what you think, speak and do. it’s about walking the walk and talking the talk. You may think well duh, everybody knows that or I’ve heard that before, but never gave it much thought. As I have mentioned what you put out to others comes back to you. This has proven to be the case for me in so many situations from buying a new home to wanting to change a situation with a friend or lover. See it, feel it and believe it and watch what happens. Do this with how you wish to see your divorce turn out (Image it without hiring a hitman, OK?).
Do you believe the small acts of kindness you give to someone spreads the energy of love to others eventually coming back to you? If you put hate into the world you get hate back and if you see love you receive love. Simple to read but not easy to do.
I found this interesting from Jonathan David Haidt (that’s “Height”, not “hate”), an American social psychologist and Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He writes in his book The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom (2005) “Gossip and reputation make sure that what comes around – a person who is cruel will find that the others are cruel back to him, and a person who is kind will find others are kind in return. Gossip paired with reciprocity allow karma to work here on earth, not in the next life. As long as everyone plays tit-for-tat augmented by gratitude, vengeance, and gossip, the whole system should work beautifully”.
KEY THOUGHT-–What I would do when thinking about acting in a way to hurt the other person is to reminding myself of my core truth, that what I put out into the world will come back to me 10-fold and eventually affect my girls. This idea of me hurting my girls in some way kept me aware of my thoughts and actions and led me back to my core premise and that is to strive for peace of mind in any situation. You have to make a conscious decision to not bring anymore drama to your life, this was a game changer for me and it will be for you.
Marc Ian Barasch writes in his book Field Notes on the Compassionate life/ A Search for the Soul of Kindness: “We owe a debt to those who suffer because they draw forth our tenderness. (Do I think that by avoiding others’ suffering, I can hoard my stash of good feelings and not get bummed out? The helper’s high phenomenon suggests the opposite: It’s giving that turns on the juice, taps us into the infinite current.) giving and taking start to seem less like a zero-sum transaction than some universal love-circuitry, where what goes around not only comes around but comes back redoubled.”
I am a firm believer in this because it has been demonstrated in my own life over and over again. If you don’t think so, try it out as an experiment for a month or two and see what happens. You have to feel sincere about it & give to yourself like this till it hurts. You will not regret it.
You may have heard this and even know it, but do you believe it and do you use it to make a shift? What is your ego constantly putting out into your world? Is it something you would be proud of sharing with others or does it make you embarrassed that you could say and do such a thing? Does it lift you and other people in your life up or does it feed the drama pig? For those that have made the change you can spot these types of people. They are the ones who have a kick in their step are curious about life and how you are doing. A laugh comes easy to them and they like to make others laugh and feel comfortable as well. There is a lightness in their demeanor and sincerity in their voice.
They don’t have time for negative people or situations and they love to express their creativity whatever that might be from drawing and singing to rock climbing or skiing. They are inviting and don’t gossip and they just don’t have time to judge others and judge themselves harshly. They love to share what they have and enjoy the company of people from an intimate party to an outdoor concert. They just love life. If you are thinking well, I used to be like that but now this divorce is killing me and I am just too sad and mad. Don’t fret, you are on the right path because you have the awareness that it is still an issue and the idea that you are reading this and are seeking answers is really the key. I know you have probably heard it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully it is not another train coming down the track! Jk.
Be patient with yourself, just because some of us just take longer than others to get through it doesn’t mean we are defective. Start trusting your intuition and soft feelings no matter what others say. Just do it!
On the negative side you know the people who are stuck. They play the tape of their relationship over and over again to you and anyone that will listen and have as they say a “pity party” or suffering Siesta as I like to call it. Just wallowing in their own pain and suffering. Now I am not saying I did not do this in the beginning of the divorce I did. A good friend and confidant will listen to the story once or twice and then they will remind you that you are playing the tape and let it go. Keep this person around they are the sounding board for you to get back on track.
“Complaining is not a strategy” Jeff Bazos CEO of Amazon.
Knowing that life (and relationships) have no final destination, it is a process of living and learning that just keeps on going as we age. There is no finish line that is why a so called “successful marriage” is in the control of the couple who have to put in the love day in and day out. If success means the longest well, I would think that success would mean the relationship that taught you how to love the most in every situation at times making you very happy and also very glad to have this person to share your life with.
With all this change going on it can feel as if you are just holding on for dear life as it moves over you like a bull in a weed dispensary (china closet?). Having a real need to try to control the process? I found that what I was trying to manage or trying to control was how my former wife would respond to the changing situations especially with sharing two children. But of course, it is futile to try to control it because it only makes you nuts, so letting go and trusting the process has a lot to do with patience and also with what you are thinking and putting out into the world.
This place of groundlessness is uncomfortable and at times unnerving. But this is where you go back to your breath and watch what you are thinking and try not to get hooked by the mind chatter.
Doing things smart means not reacting and flying off the handle, it means thinking first or going outside to take walk and cool off before getting into drama of your mind and projecting a world that is not truly what you want.
The key is being honest and aware of your own emotional stuff of how you have dealt with difficulty in communications with your partner, so you see this is about how you communicate not only with your partner but with your own head.
How we handle our own self talk and past relationships will have a strong effect on current relationships and also impact future relationships from work and family to friends and lovers. It’s as if you are making peace with the universe and taking joy in the day to day life that you are experiencing today, so that if will enhance your life tomorrow.
John Gray the American relationship counselor, lecturer and author states this idea also when he says and I paraphrase “It is very important to complete a past relationship and understand what went wrong, with forgiveness and acceptance which will open the door for better relationships to come. However, as long as you have unresolved issues with a past relationship the door will remain closed. You may find someone to go through the same issues making the same mistakes as in the past until we are able to make peace with the mistakes of the past. Every relationship has its ups and downs and it would be naïve to think that true and lasting love is automatic. The trick is to have the skills to come back into love” Catalyst Mag-A conversation with John Gray. July 2015 Vol34 Number 7.
