“The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
—Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind (1956)
I was listening to another interesting TED Talk recently—one about the pursuit of happiness and why we always seem to be chasing that elusive fairy but never quite catching it. The main takeaway? When we focus solely on ourselves, our experience of the world narrows down to one tiny point in the universe: you. That inward focus intensifies negative thoughts and lets your ego take you for a wild ride.
Susan David, co-director of the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital at Harvard Medical School, says we need to cultivate something she calls Emotional Agility. “Happiness will come and go,” she explains, “but having meaning will give you something to hold on to.” She also outlines four pillars of a meaningful life: Belonging, Purpose, Transcendence, and Storytelling.
So let me ask you this: What gives your life value and meaning beyond being married? What’s truly important to you?
You already know the answer—it’s whatever brings you joy rooted in something deeper than fleeting pleasures like sex, alcohol, or drugs. It’s that intrinsic joy you feel when connecting with others—family, friends, even strangers. This feeling comes from within, not from outside validation.
It’s said that the Dalai Lama (yes, I know—everyone quotes him, but bear with me) was moved to tears when he first heard American Buddhist teachers describe how deeply self-loathing and self-critical their students were. He was stunned that this kind of internal suffering was so widespread.
No wonder we struggle with self-esteem. With the constant barrage of ads, social media, and messages hyper-focused on our external lives, it’s a daily battle not to be drowned out by the noise—or by our own inner critic.
So how do we seek happiness when we feel like crap?
In his talk Making the Leap to Happiness, Dr. Gay Hendricks explains that most of us are functioning just fine—but beneath our potential for true joy. We do good work, feel reasonably satisfied, but we’re not letting our full genius out into the world. Why?
Because of what he calls a “nearly universal human tendency” to hold ourselves below a certain thermostat setting for how much love, joy, or success we allow. When we rise above that set point, we subconsciously stir up drama or sabotage to bring ourselves back down.
So here’s the real question: What’s keeping you from showing your full genius to the world? How do you sabotage your own happiness and keep reliving the same cycle—same thoughts, same life, same pain?
For me, the shift began with awareness. I started observing my thoughts and comparing them to reality. I realized I was stuck in a loop of “doing” instead of being. I slowed the mental chaos and just… observed. This didn’t happen right after the divorce—it took time. Please, be patient with yourself.
It took a while to rework my routine—from the “married life” I’d lived for over 12 years—into something that actually felt like mine. I began taking classes in things I genuinely loved: yoga, drawing, creative writing, fitness. I knew hanging out in bars wasn’t going to help me rebuild a life I was proud of.
Morning Pages
One of the most impactful classes I took was based on The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Originally written to help creative people reconnect with their artistry, it’s really about something more profound: life, insecurities, and how to work through them.
One of Cameron’s core practices is called Morning Pages—a daily writing ritual done first thing in the morning. You write whatever comes to mind, stream-of-consciousness style, before your thoughts are fully awake. For me, that often meant 4 or 5 a.m.
This practice became a roadmap into my own mind. I wasn’t analyzing in real time—I was just writing. Then, weeks or months later, I’d read it back and feel like someone else had written it. That distance gave me clarity. I could finally see what I was putting myself through.
The key? Do it before anything else—no phone, no shower, just sit and write. Anything: your dreams, your fears, what happened yesterday, what you’re angry or grateful about—whatever’s under the surface. And if nothing comes? Write “nothing, nothing, nothing” until something does. It will. You’ll be amazed.
You’ll know when you’re done—it’ll feel like something’s been released. Writing right after waking taps into your truest self, before your habitual thought patterns kick in. Start with 15 minutes or two pages and build from there. I use a big, unlined artist tablet—just a clean, blank page. Doodle. Scribble. This is your space.
Please—don’t overthink, don’t reread, don’t edit. Just. Freaking. Write. No one’s grading you.
Here’s an excerpt I wrote around 5 a.m., months after my divorce. It’s raw, chaotic, but real:
“The illusion is so powerful. It takes lives, it gives life. It is the fog, as Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements. Be impeccable with your word. Speak the truth. Don’t worry about what others think.
What are my four agreements?
To live each day in the moment. To feel my body. To breathe and stop and see the world around me. Listen to my body. Be true to my soul, to my artist and creative self.
I get frustrated that I’m not a wealthy, popular artist now. I feel like I’m running out of chances. I know that’s ridiculous. I worry about not having enough. About not having a relationship that loves me for me—not my dream house.
…But my home is a beautiful sanctuary. When I light my candles and incense, I feel one with spirit. I feel safe, supported.
This is my meditation. This is my truth, Billy.”
Reading it now, it’s wild to see how much I had to vomit my emotions onto the page. But it always felt good afterward. And over time, I noticed patterns: recurring thoughts, feelings, stories I told myself. Morning Pages became a goldmine of self-awareness.
Writing helps you defrag your emotional hard drive. It clears out the mental “cookies” slowing down your system. Don’t overthink it—just write.
Being Alone vs. Being Lonely
“The only time that my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” — Woody Allen
Did you know that being alone and being lonely aren’t the same thing? If you think they are, you might be stuck in the belief that you need someone else to be whole. That’s a setup for disappointment—and part of why so many people feel lonely even in relationships.
The truth is: happiness and meaning are inside jobs. Always have been.
This work can be harder for men, I think. We’re trained to fix things and move on—not to sit with feelings. That’s part of why I’m writing this—to show it can be done. You can reconnect with the love that’s already within you. But how?
The shift requires alignment—your thoughts, emotions, and body all working together. Change is scary, I know. Maybe you’re afraid of what you’ll find inside. But beneath it all is love. Joy. It’s always been there. Trust it.
Most people doubt themselves so deeply, they don’t even consider that there’s a well of love within. They build stories about being unworthy or broken. But think about the things you judge others for—they’re probably the same things you secretly judge in yourself.
One of our greatest gifts is the ability to open our hearts and give. A smile. A kind word. A gentle touch. These small gestures have immense power.
So why is it so hard to offer that same kindness to ourselves?
We wallow in self-pity and pain—and for what? It changes nothing. Only you have the power to break the cycle. Yes, it’s hard. But it’s your birthright to access that inner joy.
Resistance & The Lizard Brain
Divorce is draining—emotionally, physically, financially. Especially when lawyers get involved. To heal, we have to slow down and stop the hate—toward others and toward ourselves.
My own self-talk used to hum constantly, like a refrigerator in the background. Once I learned to notice it—and stop giving it power—everything got lighter.
Seth Godin calls it the lizard brain—that primal voice in your head that only wants to eat, sleep, have sex, and run away. It hates change. It thrives on fear.
Steven Pressfield, in Do the Work, puts it this way:
“The enemy is resistance. It’s not lack of preparation or difficulty or your bank account. It’s that chattering brain giving you excuses and justifications to not do the thing you know you need to do.”
So how do you fight resistance? With awareness—and support. I surrounded myself with beauty and inspiration: flowers, quotes, books, art. Sticky notes everywhere.
One of my favorites is by Pema Chödrön:
“Let your curiosity be greater than your fear.”
Inner peace doesn’t require big gestures. It’s found in small moments: a breath of fresh air, a quiet rain, stillness. That’s what heaven on earth looks like.
Compassion & Deep Listening
Some of the smartest people I’ve known were also the most self-critical. I’ve had to distance myself from people whose constant drama and negativity drained me.
Try this the next time someone spirals into self-hate: Ask them why. Why do they talk that way about themselves? What are they feeling? What are the facts?
That kind of questioning helped me—and often helped them, too. We all need a compassionate mirror sometimes.
One of the most beautiful communication practices I’ve heard comes from Thích Nhất Hạnh. He suggests saying:
- “Darling, I am here for you.”
- “Darling, I know you are there, and I’m happy you are.”
- “Darling, I know you suffer, and I am here for you.”
(Sometimes, just your presence can help someone suffer less.)
