Comedian Nate Bargatze:
“People ask if I’m living the dream. I say yeah. It’s a nap dream. The kind where you wake up confused and slightly ashamed.”
The problem with the phrase “living the dream” is that if we were truly living our dream, we wouldn’t need to say it or even think of it that way. We’d be so fully engaged in our lives—loving, doing, being, and sharing—that the thought wouldn’t even cross our minds. We’d simply be present, living in the moment.
If you’re living a joyful life, you already know that challenges are just part of the journey, and you learn to flow with them. Being the full expression of who you truly are—beyond the ego—is what I believe we’re all striving for. Being in the flow is our natural state. But the trouble is, we overthink everything. So STOP IT! Meditate, go for a walk, just get out of your head.
I believe that if we stopped trying to “solve” the problems of being human and simply started living, we’d all be much calmer and happier.
“What’s the difference between going to war and getting a divorce? At least in war, you have a chance of dying.”
—B. Santistevan
To live your dream with passion and inspiration, you must be open to all kinds of experiences—even the ones that kick your ass, like divorce. I know it’s hard to keep an open heart and mind when you’re hurting so much and it feels like your world has fallen apart. But this, too, is part of the journey toward becoming whole: more compassionate and more loving toward ourselves and others. Just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
Be gentle with yourself. The softening of our sharp emotional edges is part of truly living your dream.
Consistently returning to a place of calm within yourself—to balance the mind—is the only thing you really ever have control over. Marc Ian Barasch writes in Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A Search for the Soul of Kindness, “It’s only when the ego bows out that the curtain rises on real life. That it’s more blessed to give than to receive is not just a moral nostrum, they say, but a prescription for authentic joy.”
Committing to the idea that I will no longer add self-created drama to my life has been one of the most important shifts in perspective for me to maintain peace in the present moment. When making a tough decision, I’ll ask myself: What choice in this situation will give me the best chance to return to a balanced perspective and peace of mind? As the saying goes, “You can be right, or you can be happy.” So, what do you choose most of the time? Your life is a direct reflection of those kinds of choices.
So, is living the dream something real we can actually attain? Try this: think back to when you were younger and ask your 20-year-old self—what did “living the dream” mean to you then? Was it having a car, $1,000 in the bank, and a good job?
Maybe it was having a wife and kids to travel with, creating memories together. Maybe your dream was going to college or learning to speak in front of a large crowd. What was driving you then—and how has that changed? Have you discovered what your gift to the world is?
Now ask yourself: Would your 20-year-old self think you’re living the dream today? I think so. But I also think we forget how much life has already given us—and how much more we can still give.
Was getting married and divorced a mistake? I don’t think so. I believe things happen for a reason. If going through marriage and divorce helped soften you, helped you become a more loving person, then it wasn’t a mistake—it was a transformation.
If you’re not happy with your life and feel your younger self would be disappointed, ask yourself: What would I have done differently—and what can I do now to realize my true capacity?
What I’ve realized in my past relationships is this: as humans, we need to bond. It’s natural for us to make connections. But we must first have a loving relationship with ourselves before we can have one with anyone else. If you skip this step, you’ll create a dream that turns into a nightmare—full of stress and disappointment. That’s when people start looking outside themselves for relief—in drugs, alcohol, or even more dysfunctional relationships.
At one point, I felt like I had nothing to lose by doing the inner work to understand why I felt the way I did. I was tired of my ego staging life as this grand play called fear.
As I’ve said before, you have two choices: live in fear or in love (and joy). From experience, I can tell you—love is a hell of a lot more fun. And in the long run, it’s much easier. As Pema Chödrön says, “Rejoice in ordinary life.”
In Old English, the word dream meant “joy,” “noise,” or “music.” So what will you do, and how will you act, to create your own joy and music in this life? It’s never too late. Going through the pain of divorce can be a powerful catalyst for change, opening your heart to your dream life.
So, what does “living the dream” mean for us?
Comedian Maria Bamford:
“I’m living the dream! It’s just heavily medicated and supervised by a life coach who’s also my dog.”
This is the million-dollar question. How do we get back on track after our world has fallen apart? How do we view change as growth—and move forward in a compassionate, loving way to live our dream?
What I’ve learned is that the best life is a simple one—free from unnecessary drama, where you’re no longer held hostage by the monkey mind. It’s a life of peace and mental freedom in a world that constantly overstimulates us. This calm, inspired way of living is key to my dream life. It’s also about doing what I love, having the free time and financial abundance to share with others, and being free from the worry that robs us of the present moment.
Because life isn’t static, it makes sense that our idea of “the dream” changes as we age. For a 20-something, it might be having a car, a job, and a girlfriend. But for me now, and for many of us in midlife, it’s about good health, new adventures, and a loving, healthy family to share it with.
Robert F. Kennedy in a 1966 speech:
“There is a Chinese curse which says, ‘May he live in interesting times.’ Like it or not we live in interesting times.”
Even then, they knew that being overly consumed with the outside world was unhealthy. Today, we see this in the stress-related diseases and overmedication that have become so common.
So how do we simplify our lives?
By first becoming aware of our emotional patterns and old baggage—and then working through them, step by step, like anything else we want to improve. Once you recognize your emotional footprint, you’ll need the courage to step into the unknown parts of yourself: the angry, fearful, sad, and exhausted places. This isn’t a race, but I believe it’s the real reason we’re here—the most important journey we can take—to raise our consciousness and live our best life, co-creating with the universe.
When I’m troubled, I take a rest. Then, with a clearer head, I envision how I want my life to unfold. Each of us must learn to touch the joy and well-being that already lives within us and let it be our guide. You’ll know you’re there when you feel lighter and calmer. Life will have a felt simplicity. I often experience this same lightness of being when I’m in nature. Things slow down. I become present.
So put it out into the world like a fantasy with unlimited possibilities. Because as novelist Margaret Drabble once said, “When nothing is certain, everything is possible.”
We began The Divorce of Love with the death of a dream—examples of how divorce can transform you. We also shared tools and suggestions to support positive change.
Now I close with Living the Dream—urging you to take control of your ego and reactive nature and move forward in a state of grace.
Because what I hope you’ve realized through all of this is that even though everything changes—and what once seemed like a dream come true may now be a painful memory—you can survive and thrive, if you’re willing to do the emotional clearing.
One of my favorite visions of the dream comes from Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. In the chapter The New Dream: Heaven on Earth, he writes:
“Imagine living without the fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected, and you don’t have the need to be accepted. You can say ‘I love you’ with no shame or justification. You can work in the world with your heart completely open and not be afraid to be hurt.”
That’s what I aim for.
Don’t be afraid to be hurt.
The Divorce of Love has two meanings for me: first, the end of a romantic relationship, and second, the internal disconnection from love that happens when we act out of anger, fear, or hate. Many people today have divorced love from themselves, seeing the world as a fearful, reactive place—and creating their own personal hells on earth.
This is part of the human condition—until we realize the power we hold within. Once you share your love with the world, you don’t lose anything by taking a chance on love. Because really, it’s just taking a chance on yourself.
We are all, after all, doomed to contract Incurable Oldness Disease.
“Being in a relationship does not change who you are. It does not make you better, and it does not make you worse. You are just the same in a relationship as you are when you are not in one. Whatever you are without a relationship, you are when you have one. The only relationship that matters is the one you have with yourself.”
—from Trish Withus, There Is Only Love
If we understood that we each construct the world we live in—one thought at a time—we’d be more mindful of our thoughts, and more selective about what we allow into our minds. Because bad input leads to bad output.
Your dream, whatever it may be, is in your control. Making step-by-step changes with the right help and support is key. Know that you do have the power within to make the changes needed to live a more balanced, joyful life—and the imagination and self-love to create a new dream. Life goes on. And so will you.
I recommend reading some of the authors I’ve quoted throughout this book. Without their inspiration at different times in my journey, I know it would’ve taken me much longer to find the balance and love I now experience. What I’ve shared here is how I found myself again after being lost in the emotional storm of my own divorce… of love.
It was this idea of sharing my story to help others that inspired me to write this. My hope is that you’ll use these tools to forge your own life into a full, loving expression of your true nature.
Cheers to you!!!
