“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive
everybody”. – Maya Angelou
This chapter is about navigating life with greater ease and the deep inner knowing that you will be all right. You must trust this truth.
Why? Because you no longer let yourself get hooked by the small stuff. And when the big things hit, your awareness prevents you from spiraling. As Buddhist philosophy teaches, you begin to practice “concerned detachment.” You’re still in the game of life, but not so attached to the outcome that it drives you crazy.
In a society obsessed with being number one, you’ve stepped back from the illusion. You’ve turned inward—toward your heart and intuition. When you understand that life is infinite and that change is the only constant, you start to see how attachment and identification create suffering. This realization allows you to move through life’s inevitable challenges—even divorce—with grace and intention.
Letting go is scary. We all experienced it as children—falling off our bikes, letting go of the pool wall, being rejected by a crush. Those early stings felt like the end of the world at times.
As adults, the fear of losing control—even over small things—can feel terrifying. Especially for men, there’s often a deep-seated need to control the environment: holding the TV remote, dominating the conversation, offering unsolicited advice.
But this desire for control is a phantom. Deep down, we know it’s an illusion. Still, we cling to it, because it feels safe. We crave certainty—even though, in truth, certainty is a myth. We’ll all learn this, eventually.
As Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön writes in Start Where You Are:
“One of the things that keeps us unhappy is this continual searching for pleasure or security—searching for a little more comfortable situation, either at the domestic level, the spiritual level, or the level of mental peace.” (p. 97)
The only way to move through the “stuff” of our lives is to become aware of why we do what we do. Ask yourself: What do I believe about myself? About the world? Then examine those beliefs. How many were inherited? How many still shape your life without your permission?
Pay attention to your mental chatter. How much of it tears you down? How much of it shuts your heart off to avoid more hurt?
Ask yourself: Why do I beat myself up so much? Then listen to what rises. As I’ve said before, journal. Write down what you’re feeling. Track your patterns. Observe what you’re projecting onto the world. When a heavy emotion hits, notice where it lands in your body. Breathe into that space. Visualize the emotion flowing through you and cry if you must.
In The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida writes:
“Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man’s true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt… He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love—even from that place.” (Chapter 2, p. 17)
This is the treasure. This is every person’s true power: to stand firm in the pain and still access the wellspring of love within.
I’ve felt my own arrows of pain—many of them self-inflicted. But I learned to let them pass through me without clinging to their emotional weight. Eventually, the arrows stopped coming. If you want to truly shift your life, you must forgive yourself. That’s often the hardest part—especially when pain becomes so familiar it feels like home.
But the sooner you recognize it and offer yourself grace, the sooner you move forward.
Marc Ian Barasch puts it beautifully in Field Notes on the Compassionate Life:
“At its most basic, forgiveness is an act of self-healing… Forgiveness begins with acknowledging one’s own pain, shame, and sense of failure; healing the shattered sense of self-worth… To liberate ourselves from a hurt inflicted by another takes the psychological courage to open an old wound…” (p. 214)
These aren’t just personal feelings—they’ve shaped history. Psychiatrist Yitzhak Mendelsohn once said:
“People get hooked into a potent resentment that primes them for revenge and escalation. Hate becomes a way to create the illusion of power.”
Forgiveness—like love—must be unconditional.
As the pain begins to soften and you stop obsessing over what you can’t control, love returns—first for yourself, then for others. Watch for synchronicities. As I like to say, drive in the “divine lane.” Life begins to align with surprising ease. Stop overthinking. Think divine. Because life is divine and so are you.
I once read that two things make us both happy and sad: getting what we want and not getting what we want. As Eckhart Tolle says in A New Earth:
“People want to want more than they want to have.”
When we choose from ego or fear, we stay unsatisfied. Even relationships that seem grounded in love may, deep down, be efforts to fill a void.
Daily practice is essential to stay aligned with your higher self. Relationships require honesty, vulnerability, forgiveness, and a willingness to let life unfold—while staying rooted in love.
The Big F-Word: Forgiveness
I love what Archbishop Desmond Tutu said during South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation process:
“To forgive is the highest form of self-interest. I need to forgive so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my own being.”
We all want to feel connected and alive. And the best way to show up in this life is with an open heart and the courage to speak your truth.
Everyone is yearning for authenticity and belonging. And to get there, we must let ourselves be seen, love wholeheartedly, and give that love without needing it to be returned.
This is our essence—our joy. We are enough. We must treat ourselves with kindness and remember: what we do impacts others. We’re all connected.
“Love is the pain of being truly alive.”
— Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth
I know—it feels impossible to move forward when you’re hurting. So how do you begin?
Start with self-forgiveness. Then, forgive the other person—for what they said, for what they did. If it feels out of reach, give it time. Healing takes commitment.
I changed because I got tired of the inner war. Returning to love was simply easier.
Eventually, you’ll find that you can bless the other person and wish them well—not out of surrender, but because you’ve released what once weighed you down. You’re not giving something up. You’re reclaiming your peace.
This shift creates space inside you. Bitterness leaves. Love returns. The truth is, love never left. It was just waiting for you to let it back in.
As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches:
“Compassion is the key to forgiveness and moving to a place of love.”
And once you understand this, gratitude becomes essential. It’s the oil that turns the wheel of life. Gratitude brings love and abundance into your world.
Start small—a warm bed, a working car, a healthy body. Feel those blessings. Let them remind you that joy is possible, even now.
This state of grace—of quiet joy—is the magic that makes life feel beautiful again.
