“When nothing is certain, everything is possible.”
— Margaret Drabble
For me, a deep part of the sorrow came not just from the end of the relationship, but from what that ending represented: the collapse of a dream. I was facing divorce, and the realization that I would become one of the 50% who “didn’t make it” hit me hard. I felt like I had failed—not just at marriage, but as a parent too. My two beautiful children would now have to navigate life with divorced parents. That broke my heart.
It truly felt like the death of a dream.
What was that dream for you? What did you imagine marriage would look like—and how did that vision unfold in your real life? These are the kinds of questions that can linger in your mind, especially in the early days after a separation.
They say if you want to truly understand yourself, be in a relationship. Marriage will expose your joys and your triggers. The same things that made you fall in love might later be the things that bring you the most pain. And in the process, your partner becomes your mirror—showing you not only your best qualities, but also the parts of you that still need healing.
Whether you were the one who left or the one who was left, the emotional aftermath is something you still have to navigate. You’ll deal with reactions from friends and family, and if you have kids, there’s an entirely new dynamic you’ll need to figure out—one that keeps you connected to your ex, even after the romantic relationship has ended.
In my case, MFW (my former wife) and I didn’t agree on everything, but we were usually aligned when it came to our children. She understood how important it was for them to have their father in their lives, just as I respected that they needed their mother. That mutual understanding made things easier.
Unfortunately, not every co-parenting relationship is as respectful. I’ve seen parents—often fathers—take children away from their other parent and fill their heads with lies or resentment. Over time, those kids start to believe the stories they’ve been told. And that, to me, is one of the most heartbreaking outcomes. Not just because it’s wrong, but because it leaves lasting emotional scars—and it always comes back around.
Let me be clear: using your child as a weapon or keeping them from a loving parent (outside of abuse or danger) will eventually backfire. Maybe not today, maybe not next year, but karma has a way of balancing things out. Kids grow up. They ask questions. And they will want to know the truth.
If you’re in a joint custody situation, you may never fully “disconnect” from your ex. Even if you have full legal and physical custody, the other person is still your child’s parent. And unless they’re harmful or abusive, your child deserves to have a relationship with them.
If the other parent is abusive to your kids? Then screw them. Protect your children at all costs.
But for those who walk away from parenting altogether, that choice may seem easier in the moment—but it creates deep wounds in the long run. Children who grow up without meaningful contact with a parent often carry confusion, anger, or abandonment into adulthood. One day, they’ll ask the hard questions: Where were you? Why didn’t you try harder?
That’s why it’s so important to make sure your children have someone safe to talk to. A counselor, a trusted teacher, an aunt, uncle, or family friend—someone who can help them process what they’re feeling. And you, as their parent, also need that kind of space. I found that when I prioritized my kids’ well-being—especially during moments of conflict with my ex—it always led to better outcomes for everyone.
This is not easy work. Divorce can feel like the end of everything you hoped for. But it doesn’t have to be the end of you. If you let it, this process can be a powerful teacher. You can gain self-awareness. Compassion. A deeper understanding of love—not the fairy-tale version, but the kind that’s real, resilient, and rooted in growth.
Every day gives you a chance to rebuild that love, starting from within. That’s the path I’m walking. And it’s my hope that you will too.
