The Divorce of Love

The problem with the thought of “living the dream” is that if we were living our dream we wouldn’t have to say it or think of it that way because we would be so fully engaged in our lives in all aspects from loving and doing to being and sharing that the idea of thinking about it would not even be in our heads, we would be present and living in the moment.

If you are living a joyful life you already know that challenges are just part of life, so you flow with it.  Being the full expression of who you truly are outside of the ego is what I believe we are striving to attain. Being in the flow is truly our natural state we want to stay in, the trouble is we over think freaking everything. So, STOP IT!  Meditate, go for a walk ust get out of your head.

I think if we stopped trying to solve the problems of being human and just start living our lives, we would all be much calmer and happier.

        “What’s the difference between going to war and divorce, at least at war you have a chance of dying”.   B Santistevan

So, to live your dream with passion and inspiration you must be open to all kinds of experiences even the ones that kick our asses like divorce.  I know it is hard to keep an open heart and open mind when you are hurting so much and it feels as if your world has fallen apart. But this is just part of our journey to being whole, more compassionate and loving towards ourselves and others. Just put one foot in front of the other a day at a time.

Be gentle with yourself, the softening of our sharp edges (of our emotions) is all part of living your dream.

Consistently going to a place within to calm and balance the mind. This is the only thing you really ever have control over. Marc Ian Barasch writes in his book Field Notes on the Compassionate Life/ A search for the soul of kindness; “its only when the ego bows out that the curtain rises on real life. That its more blessed to give than to receive in not just amoral nostrum (means a medicine especially one that is not considered effective, prepared by an unqualified person), they say, but a prescription for authentic joy.”

To commit to the idea that I will no longer add self-created drama in my life was one of the most important perspective for me to maintain in having peace in the present moment. I’ll ask myself when making a tough choice what decision in this circumstance will give me the best opportunity to return to a balance perspective and peace of mind? As the wise man said you have two choices in an argument, “You can be right or you can be happy”. So, what do you decide most of the time? Your life is a direct reflection of these types of choices.  

So, is living the dream something real that we can truly attain?  Try this, think back when you were much younger and ask your 20-year-old self what does living the dream look like to you at that age? Is it having a car, having $1,000 dollars in the bank and getting a good job?  

Maybe having a wife and children whom you can travel with to faraway places with sharing time and creating memories. Maybe another dream of your younger self may have been going to college or learning to speak in front of a large group. What was driving you then and how has it changed? Have you found or do you know what your gift to the world is?

Let me ask you this, would the 20-year-old you think that you were and have been living the dream now? I think so. I also think that we forget how much life has given us and how much more we can give of ourselves.  Was getting married and then divorced a mistake? I believe things happen for a reason, so if having been married and accomplishing so much has helped softened you and make you a more loving person then it was not.

If you are not happy with your life and think that that 20yr old you would think that what dreams they had did not come to fruition then you have to ask yourself what would you have done differently and what do you need to do now in order to realize your true capacity?

What I have realized and seen in my past relationships is that as humans we do need to bond, that it is natural for us to make connections and that we must first have a loving relationship with ourselves in order to have one with anyone in the world. If you do not do this work first the rest will be creating a dream which is a nightmare of stress and disappointment. This seems to always lead us to look outside ourselves again and again for some pain relief in the form of drugs alcohol and even a dysfunctional relationship. 

Again, I felt like I had nothing to lose by doing the work to see why I was feeling the way I was. I was also tired of my ego always presenting life as this grand play called fear.

As I have mentioned you have two choices to live in fear or love and joy, from my experience love is a hell of a lot more fun and in the long run much easier. It is the simple things, as Pema Chodron says – “Rejoice in ordinary life”.

In Old English, dream means “joy,” “noise,” or “music.” So, what will you do and how will you act to create your own joy and music this life? It is never too late and going through the pains of divorce is a great catalyst for change and moving into a more loving heart which opens you up to your dream life.

What does living the dream mean for us?

The title of this chapter is the million-dollar question. How do we get back on track when our world has fallen apart and how do we       try to view this change as another aspect of our growth and move forward in a compassionate loving way to live our dream?

What I have learned is that the best life is a simple no drama life where you are free of concerns of the mind and have the awareness to not to be over taken by our intensely stimulated digital world we now find ourselves living in. It incorporates peace and freedom from the monkey mind that can continuously drive us crazy. This calm and inspired way of living is a key part of my dream life, it is also doing what I love and having the free time and financial abundance to share with others. It is also freedom from the worry that robs us of the present moment and the inspiration and love that comes with living life to our fullest. This is what I aspire to everyday.

Because life is not static it should make sense that over time our idea of living the dream changes as we age. The dream for a 20 something, maybe having a job, a car and a girlfriend to take out on Saturday night will change with more experiences. For me, and I know many at midlife, it is as I mentioned having good health to experience new and exciting adventures and having a healthy family to share it with.

The Chinese knew this thousands of years ago when it was said in a Chinese curse; “My you live in interesting times”.

Even back then they knew that over concerns with the outside world was not healthy. We see this in the stress associated diseases and over medication that are so prevalent today.

So, how do we start to simplify our lives? By first having the awareness of our emotional patterns and old luggage and then working at it one step at a time just like anything else in your life you wish to get better at. Once you know what your emotional footprint looks like you will have to find the courage to step into the unknow parts of yourself that are angry, fearful, sad and downright tired? This is not a race, but it is I feel the reason we are all here and the most important journey we can take to raise our consciousness and live our best life co-creating with the universe.

When I am troubled, I often take a rest and when I have a clearer headed, I envision how I would like to see my life unfold. Each of us must learn to touch the intrinsic joy and wellbeing that resides deep within us and allowing it to be your guide. You will know you are there when you feel lighter and calmer. Life takes on a simplicity which is felt at your core. I also get this same lightness of being when I am in nature. Things just slow down and I become very present.

So, put it out into the world like a fantasy with unlimited possibilities because as Margaret Drabble noted English novelist, biographer and critic has said “when nothing is certain everything is possible”.

We started the Divorce of Love with the Death of a Dream, giving examples of how divorce can change you in so many ways, but also showed you tools and guided suggestions and actions to take to make a positive change.

Now I close with Living the Dream urging you to take control of your ego and reactive nature and move forward in a state of grace. 

Because what I hope you will come to realize going through all this is that even though everything changes and what you thought was a dream come true is now only a painful memory, you will survive and thrive if you want to do the emotional clearing.

One of my favorite ways of seeing the dream is from writer Don Miguel Ruiz who envisions it this way in his chapter The New Dream Heaven on earth, by stating “Imagine living without the fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected, and you don’t have the need to be accepted. You can say “I love you” with no shame or justification. You can work in the world with your heart completely open, and not be afraid to be hurt.” From the Four Agreements chapter7pg 126. This is what I try to aim for.

Don’t be afraid to be hurt. The Divorce of love for me has two meaning, first it is the love that was once part of a marriage that ended and it was also the love that leaves us inside when we act not from a place of wholeness, but from anger and hate. Many people today have divorced this love from inside themselves seeing their world as a fearful and reactive place to live and in so, creating hell on earth. This has been and will be the human condition until a realization of their power within is recognized. You must see that once you share your love with the world you really don’t lose anything by taking a chance on love, because it really boils down to taking a chance on yourself since we are all doomed to contract Incurable Oldness Disease.

“Being in a relationship does not change who you are. It does not make you better, and it does not make you worse. You are just the same in a relationship as you are when you are not in one. Whatever you are without a relationship, you are when you have one. The only relationship that matters is the one you have with yourself.”  From Trish Withus website “There is only love”.

If you understand that we each construct the world we want to inhabit one thought at a time, we would be more careful with how we think and also careful with what we fill our heads with because bad inputs deliver bad outputs.

Your dream whatever it might be is in your control, making step by step changes with the right help and knowledge is key. Know that you have the power within to make the changes needed to live a more balanced and happy life and the imagination and love of self to create a new dream, life goes on and on and so will you.

I would recommend also reading some of the authors and people I quote because without their inspiration at different times along my journey, I know it would have taken me longer to get to a more balanced and loving place that thankfully I find myself now. What I am sharing is how I came to find myself again after being lost in the emotional storm of my own divorce….of love.

It was this thought of sharing my story and helping others that was the goal of writing this. My hope is that you will use these tools to forge your own life into a full and loving expression of your true nature.

Cheers to you!!!

Bill

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody”.  – Maya Angelou

This title has to do with moving through life with ease and a knowing that YOU are going to be all right. You have to trust that this will be the case.

Why? Because you won’t allow yourself to  get hooked by the little stuff and because you have this awareness you don’t get crazy when the big stuff comes up. As the Buddhist way explains “You have a concerned detachment”. You are in the game, but are not so attached to the outcome that it makes you nuts.

In our society where everything and everyone has to be number one, you are no longer caught up for long periods of time in the illusion of life. You now put your focus on your heart and listening to your intuition.  Since everything is infinite and change is the only constant, having the awareness that what you attach too and identify with leads to suffering will help you maneuver through the challenges of your life with an intention to move forward in a positive way even after divorce.

I know letting go is scary. It is the letting go each of us have experienced growing up, where we have fallen flat on our faces trying something new and different. Maybe it was the first time you rode a bike or pushed off from the side of pool when just learning how to swim or the rejection of a girl or boy that you have a mad crush on.

And I know that the idea of losing control and not having some influence to control our circumstances scares the hell out of most of us. Especially men, who have a real need to control their environment even with the little things like needing to hold the remote control when the TV is on or giving your opinion on something where no opinion was asked for.

This idea of control is the ghost in our mind, I think there is part of us that knows it, but having our false belief keeps us safe at least in our minds. We have a need for this “idea” of security in some form. But that too is an illusion and we will all come to know the truth when we leave this place.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chadron in her book “Start Where You Are” (pg97)” says that “One of the things that keep us unhappy is this continual searching for pleasure or security, searching for a little more comfortable situation, either at the domestic level or the spiritual level or at the level of mental peace”

The only way through all the stuff of our lives is to have an awareness of why we do the things we do. What is it that we believe about ourselves and the world around us?  Examine your beliefs about everything and see how much of it is directly related to what you learned growing up and how much of it affects your decisions every day. Be aware or should I say beware of what your own mind chatter is saying, how much of it is self-deprecating how much have you closed your heart off too, so that you stay guarded not wanting to hurt like that again?

Question yourself on why do you tend to beat yourself up, and see what comes up for you. As I mentioned before, keep a journal and write down and keep track of the emotions that are whirling in your head, so that you can see for yourself what it is you are projecting onto the world. When you feel a heavy emotion come up feel the place in the body where this energy /emotion is concentrated in, and try to breathe through this and envision the feeling energy passing through you.

Author and teacher David Deida writes in his book The Superior Man; Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of man’s true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary. A man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.” Chapter 2 pg. 17.

I believe this is a man’s (and all peoples) treasure and true source of power to face this onslaught of emotions that pierce our heart like a wave of arrows coming at us and yet we stand true to our nature by continuing to feel the unending well of love that we possess. In facing my arrows, I would envision them passing through my body without me holding onto the emotional pain. I knew that the arrows where of my own making many times so after a while it became easier for the arrows to pass, eventually there were no more arrows. It you are to truly shift to a better place you must forgive yourself. This can be the hardest part especially if we get comfortable with our own pain. It is something that you know and it knows you. The quicker we can recognize it and forgive ourselves the sooner we can move forward in a more loving way.

Marc Ian Barasch nailed it for me when he wrote in his book “Field Notes on the compassionate life (pg. 214) that “at its most basic, forgiveness is an act of self-healing. I would rather have been hung by my thumbs than let bygones be bygones until I realized how much my burden of resentment was hurting me.  Forgiveness begins with acknowledging one’s own pain, shame, and sense of failure; healing the shattered sense of self-worth; grieving the loss of faith in other people. To liberate ourselves from a hurt inflicted by another takes the psychological courage to open an old wound, evoke a painful memory, pull up a tangled skein of issues we’d rather keep under wraps”

These feelings happen all over the world and have been going on for centuries playing out in even larger scenarios between countries with the results being the same more death and destruction. An example of this is what psychiatrist Yitzhak Mendelshon says about this tit-for-tat attitude “People get hooked into a potent resentment that primes them for revenge and escalation. Hate becomes a way to create the illusion of power”. 

Forgiveness like love for ourselves and others should be unconditional.

Know that once the pain subsides to a certain point and you stop obsessing over so many things you can’t control anymore you start feeling the love of self and others come to you in an easier and easier fashion.  Start looking at the synchronicities in your life or as I like to call it driving in the divine lane where situations and circumstances at times just seem to flow. Stop overthinking everything and think divine life because it is.

I read somewhere that there are two things that will make you happy and sad, getting what you want and not getting what you want. As Eckhart Tolle said in his book “A New Earth “People “want to want more than we want to have”. I think this is true with anything in our lives that comes from a place of ego and self-interest and not love. Sometimes relationships may seem to come from a place of love but looking deeper we find that we are trying to fill a void in ourselves.

It takes practice every day to be committed to being present and connected to your higher self. Relationships are no different, it takes being honest, vulnerable, forgiving and open to however life unfolds staying true to your loving core.

THE BIG F WORD…forgiveness! I love what Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who chaired the Truth and reconciliation process in South Africa had said; “To forgive is the highest form of self-interest.  I need to forgive so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my own being”

As humans we all want to connect with others to feel and experience ourselves as alive. The best way to show up is with an open heart and the courage to speak your truth because everyone yearns for connection and belonging. To be authentic and our truest self we must let ourselves be seen and love with our whole heart without any guarantee of return. This knowing of our own intrinsic joy and love that is our true essence is what make us feel alive. We have to believe that we are enough and be very kind and gentle with ourselves. We also must know what we do affects people because of this connection.

         “ Love is the Pain of being truly alive” Joseph Campbell Bill Moyer interviews 1988

I know at times It may seem impossible to move forward especially when you are in so much pain, so how do you move on?

What I found was that I had to forgive myself first and then the other person for the things she and I said or did. If this seems impossible now be patient because things do change over time if you are willing to work on them.

It changed for me because I was tired of the battle within my head and I found it is easier to move to my natural state which is love. 

Once you are ready for a change then what you will find is that you can bless the other person and send them love to live a whole and loving life without it seeming like you are losing some part of yourself or giving in. It is not giving in to the other person it is allowing you to give to yourself and with that the letting go of that energy that used to be so tied to that other person.

This is your gift to you and the world!

This shift opens up a whole new energy inside you and allows space to be created where the anger and bitter emotions once resided, and if you hold true, love will take its place. It’s funny, but love was always there it was just waiting for you to let it back in. As Thich Nhat Hanh says “Compassion is the key to forgiveness and moving to a place of love”– from Thich Nhat Hanh talks about compassion.

From this awareness you must also be thankful because it is the oil that lubricates the wheels of life to bring the abundance and love that you deserve to you. Give thanks for what you have during your day because it is leading you to a greater love of self and the world. Start with the little things a warm bed and house in the winter, a car that works a healthy body. You get the picture, pick anything and really feel it. It will make you feel good and actually blessed. It may sound strange but it is this state of grace & joy  that will make your life magic again.

After a period of time, if you are maintaining your awareness and have worked through much of the same emotional baggage that seemed to always be coming up in the beginning, then you may come to a crossroads. A place where you are done fighting and resisting and want to move forward in a way that doesn’t have all the pain and sadness tied to everything you do. The decision you have to make is; do you want to learn from what has taken place and move forward or do you want to stay in the drama and continue blaming or resenting the other person and maybe even yourself. This is what happened to me, I found that it was emotionally draining to keep negatively charged emotions and energy in my head and body all the time.

So, if you do want a different path you must learn from whatever emotional hooks come your way. If you do not want to change your mindset, I guarantee what you will get is more drama, less love and probably attract the same relationship you divorced.

Knowing that staying in the same mental state will only make you crazy is a great force for change and with the knowledge that life will begin again in each moment once you make a shift to see and act differently.

I have seen it happen many times that for those that don’t take responsibility for their actions they will continue to live in discomfort and draw to them the same pain energy in another relationship. It is about seeing how the universe works and what roll we play. The way it works is that we co-create our reality first in thought and then in actions.  So, you have to be very aware of your beliefs and patterns of negative thoughts and try as much as  you can to see the way you talk about yourself and other people. I know I keep harping on this; however, it is very important point and critical to your evolution and I believe the planets.

Think about what you wish to manifest in your life and co-creating with the Universe? Your life will reflect what you think, speak and do. it’s about walking the walk ­­and talking the talk. You may think well duh, everybody knows that or I’ve heard that before, but never gave it much thought. As I have mentioned what you put out to others comes back to you. This has proven to be the case for me in so many situations from buying a new home to wanting to change a situation with a friend or lover. See it, feel it and believe it and watch what happens. Do this with how you wish to see your divorce turn out (Image it without hiring a hitman, OK?).

Do you believe the small acts of kindness you give to someone spreads the energy of love to others eventually coming back to you? If you put hate into the world you get hate back and if you see love you receive love. Simple to read but not easy to do.

I found this interesting from Jonathan David Haidt (that’s “Height”, not “hate”), an American social psychologist and Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He writes in his book The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom (2005) “Gossip and reputation make sure that what comes around – a person who is cruel will find that the others are cruel back to him, and a person who is kind will find others are kind in return. Gossip paired with reciprocity allow karma to work here on earth, not in the next life. As long as everyone plays tit-for-tat augmented by gratitude, vengeance, and gossip, the whole system should work beautifully”.

KEY THOUGHT-–What I would do when thinking about acting in a way to hurt the other person is to reminding myself of my core truth, that what I put out into the world will come back to me 10-fold and eventually affect my girls. This idea of me hurting my girls in some way kept me aware of my thoughts and actions and led me back to my core premise and that is to strive for peace of mind in any situation. You have to make a conscious decision to not bring anymore drama to your life, this was a game changer for me and it will be for you.

Marc Ian Barasch writes in his book Field Notes on the Compassionate life/ A Search for the Soul of Kindness: “We owe a debt to those who suffer because they draw forth our tenderness. (Do I think that by avoiding others’ suffering, I can hoard my stash of good feelings and not get bummed out? The helper’s high phenomenon suggests the opposite: It’s giving that turns on the juice, taps us into the infinite current.) giving and taking start to seem less like a zero-sum transaction than some universal love-circuitry, where what goes around not only comes around but comes back redoubled.”

 I am a firm believer in this because it has been demonstrated in my own life over and over again. If you don’t think so, try it out as an experiment for a month or two and see what happens. You have to feel sincere about it & give to yourself like this till it hurts. You will not regret it.

You may have heard this and even know it, but do you believe it and do you use it to make a shift? What is your ego constantly putting out into your world?  Is it something you would be proud of sharing with others or does it make you embarrassed that you could say and do such a thing? Does it lift you and other people in your life up or does it feed the drama pig? For those that have made the change you can spot these types of people. They are the ones who have a kick in their step are curious about life and how you are doing. A laugh comes easy to them and they like to make others laugh and feel comfortable as well. There is a lightness in their demeanor and sincerity in their voice.

They don’t have time for negative people or situations and they love to express their creativity whatever that might be from drawing and singing to rock climbing or skiing. They are inviting and don’t gossip and they just don’t have time to judge others and judge themselves harshly. They love to share what they have and enjoy the company of people from an intimate party to an outdoor concert. They just love life. If you are thinking well, I used to be like that but now this divorce is killing me and I am just too sad and mad. Don’t fret, you are on the right path because you have the awareness that it is still an issue and the idea that you are reading this and are seeking answers is really the key. I know you have probably heard it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hopefully it is not another train coming down the track! Jk.

Be patient with yourself, just because some of us just take longer than others to get through it doesn’t mean we are defective. Start trusting your intuition and soft feelings no matter what others say. Just do it!

On the negative side you know the people who are stuck. They play the tape of their relationship over and over again to you and anyone that will listen and have as they say a “pity party” or suffering Siesta as I like to call it. Just wallowing in their own pain and suffering. Now I am not saying I did not do this in the beginning of the divorce I did. A good friend and confidant will listen to the story once or twice and then they will remind you that you are playing the tape and let it go.  Keep this person around they are the sounding board for you to get back on track.

“Complaining is not a strategy” Jeff Bazos CEO of Amazon.

Knowing that life (and relationships) have no final destination, it is a process of living and learning that just keeps on going as we age. There is no finish line that is why a so called “successful marriage” is in the control of the couple who have to put in the love day in and day out. If success means the longest well, I would think that success would mean the relationship that taught you how to love the most in every situation at times making you very happy and also very glad to have this person to share your life with.

With all this change going on it can feel as if you are just holding on for dear life as it moves over you like a bull in a weed dispensary (china closet?).  Having a real need to try to control the process? I found that what I was trying to manage or trying to control was how my former wife would respond to the changing situations especially with sharing two children. But of course, it is futile to try to control it because it only makes you nuts, so letting go and trusting the process has a lot to do with patience and also with what you are thinking and putting out into the world. 

This place of groundlessness is uncomfortable and at times unnerving. But this is where you go back to your breath and watch what you are thinking and try not to get hooked by the mind chatter.

Doing things smart means not reacting and flying off the handle, it means thinking first or going outside to take walk and cool off before getting into drama of your mind and projecting a world that is not truly what you want.

The key is being honest and aware of your own emotional stuff of how you have dealt with difficulty in communications with your partner, so you see this is about how you communicate not only with your partner but with your own head.

How we handle our own self talk and past relationships will have a strong effect on current relationships and also impact future relationships from work and family to friends and lovers. It’s as if you are making peace with the universe and taking joy in the day to day life that you are experiencing today, so that if will enhance your life tomorrow.

John Gray the American relationship counselor, lecturer and author states this idea also when he says and I paraphrase “It is very important to complete a past relationship and understand what went wrong, with forgiveness and acceptance which will open the door for better relationships to come. However, as long as you have unresolved issues with a past relationship the door will remain closed. You may find someone to go through the same issues making the same mistakes as in the past until we are able to make peace with the mistakes of the past. Every relationship has its ups and downs and it would be naïve to think that true and lasting love is automatic. The trick is to have the skills to come back into love” Catalyst Mag-A conversation with John Gray.  July 2015 Vol34 Number 7.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. Maya Angelou (5-22-14) Brainy quotes- http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/maya_ angelou.html

Are you done with the fighting or not? This is what you have to decide for yourself along with who and what are you fighting for and who do I want to be after this? Ask yourself this over and over again because the stress of being so adversarial over a long period of time can put you in a hole that can be very hard to climb out of. What I found is that after a couple of years I was tired of this heavy energy always being around and I just wanted it to be over.

I have seen some people after many months and sometimes years of fighting your Ex over whatever you both deem important bitter to the point where the anger and pain are so deep that they put up a wall and close off emotionally living in the judgment of their experience. 

Others however get tired of it all as I did and decide that losing them-selves is not worth the fight. What you may gain financially or lose financially is little consolation when you have lost the ability to a balance your life and feel love. 

Hardening your heart for even one individual effect your whole mind, body and spirit and sets the course for more unhappiness to come. What you think and say becomes your reality and nobody in there right mind should live this way, but sadly many people do.

You need to examine the beliefs about yourself and your former partner that you are still holding on to. Do you play the drama card with money, relationships or kids? These are just some of the many reasons or circumstances we can get caught up by it.  Know that when you release your negative beliefs you regain your power. You need to realize life is not as serious as we sometimes make it out to be. Are you homeless and hungry…? probably not. Are you dealing with a disability that does not allow you to live as most people do? Hopefully not.

So, what to do, when you hit the cross roads and have to make a decision? Some find it easy to let go and other do not. The stronger your ego the harder it will be.  A cold-hearted ego centric son-of-a bitch does not care and would not even consider giving up the fight. You know who these people are by the way they speak and act and I don’t hang around such blackholes of love energy.

As time passes try doing this once your head clears more and more from the heavy emotions. With more of a gap between you and your thoughts and with the awareness of your triggers you are your best counsel just by listening to your own heart. When you find yourself still, just be and observe the world around you with no thought. See what thoughts do come up when you are in the lightness of being. This is a time I feel that your connection to your source is more fully aligned giving you insights and a knowing that feels right. This is part of your intuition which is where your power dwells and your trust in the process unfolds.

This is another tool to see clearly and shift the misery and pain into a life free of your own suffering. This is what empowerment is, the ability to LET GO OF YOUR STORY and MOVE FORWARD maybe with a little pain and fear for a while, but with the hope of a happier life and an increased self-love.

Author Stewart Levine has written on Conflict resolution and he states 10 principle that show how to come to compromise. The following which I believe is true is one of the 10 abundances. One of the primary contributors to adversity is the belief that “if you get yours, then there won’t be enough for me.” This is a scarcity mentality. But the most powerful negotiating tactic is to find out what the other side wants and figure out how they can have it. The likelihood is that they will try to do the same for you. In most situations there is enough for everyone to get what they need. Rather than fighting about dividing a small pie, we need to focus on how to make the pie bigger. Here are some other of his insights and questions to ask that helped me:

• You have to care more about moving on with your life than being right.
• Are you creating enemies in your mind and being self-righteous?
• Don’t be attached to the outcome. Conflict lives in us as an emotional state.
• Your emotions need to shift to view the other person as in pain too.
• Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves that helps us let go of the conflict.

Surrender to find yourself

When I speak about surrendering, know that I do not mean giving everything the other person wants to him or her. I mean to surrender to your higher self, your higher knowing to trust this aspect of who you are.  Stop trying to control everything like the negative emotions and energy that keep arising and that you are throwing at the other person, because the negative energy is being boomeranged back at you.

Remember what you think and say has power, keep this in mind next time you are thinking mean thoughts and projecting negative energy outward. If you cannot keep it from coming out then let it out as much as you can in private or on paper and vent as much as you need to be able to see what feelings are driving your hot emotions.  As  Irish-American actor, writer and politician Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  What you are trying to do is shift and release this same funky energy and attitude that keeps hanging around and direct it into a more supportive way of living.

Experiencing the emotional pain of divorce can make you think and say very bitter hateful things, so the goal is to catch yourself and be very aware of your self-talk. It’s not easy, so when you have that emotional buildup or blockage and want to just kill someone or something take a step back and a deep breath and go outside and run or walk or sit down and write everything you wish you could do to this person and when you are finished take that piece of paper roll it up in a ball and burn it. And remind yourself that what you project comes back to you like an emotional whiplash.

Trust in Frequency

Perfection is a thing we tell ourselves to be not knowing that we already are perfect at our essence.

Recently I heard the term the “Trust Frequency” which I liked from a book called The Trust Frequency by Connie Baxter Marlow and Andrew Bailey. What is it? They say it is an energy and feeling you tune into which frees you from fear. You are either in the “Love Frequency” or ego and the “Fear Frequency” Anything outside of you that keeps you out of balance and doubting yourself is the Fear Frequency. Anything within that gives you the ability to see past the fear and go through the pain is the Love Frequency. I like this idea.  It is not easy to trust when you feel hurt or betrayed, but this is what you must do. You must trust that you were not meant to fail that yes life is hard, and suffering is just a part of this life and that there is more to you at your essence than you think or could ever imagine. The one thing I would 86 (get rid of) if I could from people would be there self-talk of negativity. This would change the landscape of their lives in infinite ways.

We hold ourselves up against this crazy idea of our own perfection consistently projecting it on the world around us about who we are and how things should be done. This is the biggest waste of time and energy there is in our society and we need to stop acting as our own worst enemy and be our own champions in our lives.

The problem for most of us is that we lose sight of the whole and deal with the minutia of our day to day circumstances acting as if they were life and death decisions and the truth is they are not. Worry about things you cannot control and resist change and you will suffer. So how do you change it? For me it was the step by step day by day things I am talking about in this writing.

What you must have is the awareness to catch yourself thinking about the negative thoughts and pain that surface again and again. This is the mind training you must do in letting go of old thoughts and fears which can feel like opening a wound over and over again not giving it time to heal. Be aware of the ideas you are holding on to and work through them by just being present with the thought, let it go without adding another other emotion to it.

You have to use every tool at your disposal to shift away from this endless spiral of negativity especially when you have had such deep hurt. If you are not doing something to change the thoughts and beliefs about yourself then you will continue to suffer. Know it does not happen overnight or over a few weeks or months. It will take time, but be patient with yourself and at some point, you will finally feel more grounded and balanced again. I noticed a shift a couple of months after I moved out with more time between negative thoughts after 6 months.

When you release your old beliefs and thoughts you regain your power and this is what I wish for you and everyone on the planet.

“It is hard to be taken advantage of when you give without expectation” – Gary Vaynerchuk Instagram 2/11/18

“No one ever told me grief felt like fear” from CS Lewis a Grief Observed.

God knows as men we tend to keep it all inside emotionally not sharing our pain and sorrow with anyone thinking that maybe showing what we think is weakness or unmanly.  This could not be farther from the truth ……KNOW THIS! that courage is not about agonizing in silence and not showing your sadness, it is about being vulnerable enough to go to the depths of our grief and coming to terms with what is the emotional dragon we need to face. We can each slay the dragon if we have the knowledge and strength to do it. What does it take?

I love what Brene Brown PHD has to say about it. “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences — good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as “ordinary courage.” ― Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

How do you get the courage to share your pain? For me it was having a confidant, someone I trusted. Yours could be a therapist or unbiased friend that can listen to your heart, but has no patience for your drama.  It really began with my former wife and me seeing a marriage counselor that we both trusted. He was someone that had a great bullshit meter and was able to give me a response that made me think WOW… “I never thought about it that way or it didn’t occur to me that that was what I was doing”. 

 As strange as it sounds, I also had a lawyer that was also my good friend that had experience with divorce and he became a sounding board that I would rely on after my divorce. During our settlement negotiations and post-divorce this friend had a way of giving me insight into how I was feeling and why and how the actions I was thinking of taking would only cause more drama. What you need to do is think how this will affect you down the road especially when you have children involved. You will have to have your former spouse in your life even after the kids turn 18, so you better get some good will credits in their bank.

This process is about nurturing and balancing your mental, physical and spiritual self. If any of these are not taken care of then you will suffer. There is not one best way of doing this; it is different for everyone so you need to try out new and different ways of getting to wholeness.

The way you will know if you are on the right track is that what you are thinking of doing makes you feel uncomfortable or scared. This is your indicator that you need to move into this area of your life. And fuck no it is not easy, but just do it and see what happens. You will be surprised at the outcome and how you feel the more you open to it.

Some go to church or read spiritual text or listen to tapes or take drawing or dancing classes whatever that is for you make sure you take the time to do it. You need to stretch yourself and take a chance on you and get out of your comfort level. Mix it up!!!!  If you are bored it is your own damn fault!!!  Take your mind off yourself and focus on something other than work your kids or yourself.

My experience has shown that your life and the lives of people around you will seem to change for the better if you can start doing this and stop stressing about things you cannot control. I know this control issue is a biggie for most people, it is ingrained in us from an early age to control our surroundings the problem is if you don’t manage it the long-term effect of stress can kill you.  Dr. Gabor Mate says the following about stress;

“The research literature has identified three factors that universally lead to stress, they are uncertainty, the lack of information and the loss of control.”  Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection

Don’t over think it, you are stronger than you imagine.

We all know people that play an account of the relationship over and over again. I have a friend that from my perspective loves the drama of a relationship because it is what he knows and how he grew up. If you are a person still dealing with past heart ache from family or relationships and are still angry then the cycle will continue on and on until you are tired of the same old, same old. My holding on to the anger was making me reactionary and hostile to my whole world. It was the enemy within that I had to do something about because I knew I could not continue living like this especially if I wanted another relationship in my life. No one deserve to have an angry person living with them.

How did I do it? By crying at first to feel what it was and then eventually to purge the emotional squatters that had camped out in my head. This way of grieving was signifying to me that I was letting go of the sickness that is the pain held inside. I felt at times I had to do it to cleanup my body of the heavy emotional energy that was lingering in me.

If you are a guy you may see this as being a total pussy, but I would suggest you try it the next time this heavy feeling comes over you and you are alone.

I love what the 19^th century writer, essayist, biographer, historian, and diplomat Washington Irving wrote about tears;

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

There is an emanation from the heart in genuine hospitality which cannot be described but is immediately felt and puts the stranger at once at his ease”.

I think you will be amazed as I was when you do release the pain by shedding tears and see that the overwhelming feelings subsid and are gone no longer effecting you in the moment.

To me this meant I was heading in the right direction especially when the emotions would well up like oil stuck in the ground trying to break through, these emotions were trying to get out, so I let them often crying for no apparent reason.  But what I found is that after the tears have subsided my whole body felt lighter. It’s as if I had eaten something spoiled and needed to throw-up to get it out. Crying was the physical manifestation of pain being released because afterwards the heaviness in my body was always gone. It’s as if the crying and releasing of tears created more room inside me so that I could fill the anger with something I could live with like my own loving heart.

Convinced yet that expressing your pain by crying is good for you? How about this expert’s findings then?

Dr. William Frey, a Biochemist and “tear expert”, discovered that emotional tears have special health benefits. Reflex tears are 98% water while emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. Emotional tears release stress.

Or how about this information from an article by Judith Orloff M.D. in Psychology Today, she discusses the health benefits of tears. She describes “a good cry as cleansing, a way to purge pent up emotions, and to release stress symptoms such as fatigue and pain. Crying stimulates the production of endorphins which are natural pain blockers.

Crying is good for your health, your mind, your body and your spirit. It is a natural cleanse stimulating the release of pain. Give yourself permission as well as the time and space to work through your grief, to feel and to express your feelings as they come. So often we judge our healing by our tears. Find solace in knowing that tears are an expression of our unspoken words, our sadness, our pain leaving our bodies. There will come a day when tears are not a part of our daily expression. Until that day comes let the tears fall and know that they are a powerful component of healing. Practice self-compassion, patience, and the active nurturing of your soul and remember that every tear shed carries with it pain and stress. Grief is one of life’s greatest teachers. It teaches us who we are, want to be, and can become.

We learn in time that we can endure what we once believed impossible. Grief introduces us to the possibility of our own resilience. Through our grief, we can learn to live with a deeper awareness and appreciation for healthy connection, meaningful growth and intentional purpose. Grief shows us on a cellular level that change is inevitable. We cannot escape loss. We can make choices and learn strategies to protect ourselves from being defined or limited by loss. With awareness, we can make choices that allow us to grow, evolve and ultimately transform. All of us are capable of making choices that push us to find deeper meaning in our lives.”

Jennifer Stern, LISW in her website Transformative Grief writes; “Let your tears fall with pride for they are not a sign of weakness or self-pity, but an authentic expression of sorrow. It takes great courage to feel your feelings, to express your feelings openly and honestly. It takes great strength to tend to your sorrow. Crying is not for the weak of heart. Crying expresses what few words can or ever will. Our work in grief is to feel, to express, to accept, to integrate, to heal. Grief work takes guts, persistence, patience, self-compassion and courage, lots and lots of courage. Tears are the sweat of grief work.

It is not the job of the griever to make others comfortable with their expression of grief. It is the job of the griever to grieve. To grieve is to actively feel and express sorrow. If your tears appear to make others uncomfortable calmly speak your truth, teach them about your tears. I cry because I grieve. I cry because I am profoundly sad over the loss of my loved one. I cry because life will forever be bittersweet. I cry because there are no words to adequately express how I am feeling. I cry because I am brave enough to face another day, to endure, to push forward, to live with grief in my heart. I cry to express, to relieve, to release.

Witnessing the tears of friends or family reminds us of our own fragility, powerlessness, inability to fix or lessen the pain and suffering of another. The most compassionate and supportive thing we can do is create space for those tears, to breathe, to sit with the discomfort and to understand that crying is an expression, a release, a healing… not something to be analyzed, feared or stopped”.

What I wish for you to do is allow yourself to cry and release your pain. I would hope most people already know this to be true because it shifts our energy and perspective and opens us back up to return to love and light. We are not separate from everyone ever. Life changes for us when you see the interconnectedness of everyone and we remember to do what we think and say as one and let a few tears fall.

I found it interesting that when I did get divorced some of my guy friends who were single assumed that I would be out all night every night chasing tail like some of them still were, however this was not the case for me. I was emotionally and physically drained after the first year of having moved out my home, so the idea of being with someone new was just a fleeting thought in my head. I knew that I would be ready sometime in the future, but only after I had created enough balance and space emotionally, so that it would allow someone to come into my life. I felt what I needed was to get back to the calm and happy positive person that felt I used to be.

So how to do this, to get back towards a more balanced me? I thought being active and trying new things outside my comfort zone was what I had to do to get me recharged.

I should explain what I mean by “creating space”. What this means for me is having a still and uncluttered mind without the mind chatter of doubt and pointless thoughts crashing like wave’s day in and day out.

As a young man, I have always been interested in the nature of life from the physical universe to the spiritual (metaphysical) one. This exploration was kicked into high gear when I gave up Catholicism for Lent when I was 25 years old.My mom who is more Catholic than the Pope was not happy about it. At the beginning of Lent like every year she would ask what I was going to give up for the next 40 days. When I told her Catholicism, I could smell incense (Frankincense and Muir) quaffing through the phone and I swore I got hit with holy water! Having grown up in the community of Catholics and going to Parochial Grade School and High School, I found at 25 years old that I needed more than the standup sit down fight, fight, of the marching Catholics.

This decision to leave the church had led me to study many religions and philosophies over the years from Taoism and Mormonism to Unitarianism & Buddhism to new age thought. I read books on the historical life of Jesus and books written by Joseph Campbell, Robert Bly, Eckhart Tolle, Kahlil Gibran and many, many others. My soul was thirsty and I knew there had to be more to life than just living in the fear and strain of trying to get to heaven and avoiding hell. I was hungry to fill my heart with more than the literal dogma of the church. So, I learned how to meditate by studying with a teacher which taught me to quiet the mind and be in the present moment. A practice I strive to do every day.

Yet at 35 when I got married this happy and what I thought balanced guy fell away from what I had learned and instead focused on trying to stay ahead of all the things life was throwing at me from growing my own business to taking care of two children and a wife while maintaining a loving family and beautiful home. I forgot about keeping my own balance and peace of mind at the center of my life.

It was my own fault for not maintaining this balance and focus on the things that made me feel whole. I had gotten caught up in the minutia of life which I believe keeps us separate from our true nature and our community. It is so easy to get carried away when you think the things that are most important are the ones that are outside of you. 

To get back to a more balanced & healthier life I knew that one thing I had to do was burn the emotional energy that built-up in my body every-day. The best way for me to do this was by getting physical. I thought what would mix things up and get me moving?

I felt in my gut was that this path would help me get my life back, energizing my body, freeing my mind, and healing my heart. 

It seems it always happens to me that when the universe is guiding me to do something and I ignore it that it will show up three times in different ways usually in just a couple of days. This happened to me regarding taking a yoga class which I always wanted to do, but was dragging my feet, because I had never done it before. Like most things new in our lives it can be a little uncomfortable being the odd man out sort of speak. However, after the third time of having the idea of doing yoga came up from a woman who I had gone to high school with, I found out that she was also teaching yoga! Well this was all the encouragement I needed. Once I started, I never looked back and have been doing yoga at least two to three times a week for many years. By the way I sleep like a baby the days I do a class.

Whether it is yoga or a cooking class, joining a gym, riding a bike or just taking walks you need to shed the emotional energy you carry around each day and one of the best ways to do this is to get active….. and this does not mean active drinking! What I think we also need is a change of routine and scenery to create this timeout where we can get in touch with ourselves and recalibrate our mind, spirit and body.

Yoga was perfect because it makes you have more awareness of your body and feel what is happening internally. What happens is that energy centers in the body open up allowing you to breath deeper and more fully which in turn balances your energy. I found that doing back bends poses was a great heart opening practice which helped release emotional blockages. I would visualize my chest opening up like a treasure chest releasing an unending flow of pink and golden light from within me. This may sound strange but my heart-ache really did subside. I found I wasn’t holding anything in, I was opening whole-heartedly and letting it all out. It was very healing.

If you have not taken a class, I would highly recommend it. Plus, you are not getting any younger and it helps with the stretching not to mention it is a great place to meet like-minded people and make new friends.

Heavy and light energy awareness.

Another shift I needed was to wean myself of my own negative self-talk which was toxic. These fleeting thoughts of negative emotional energy would come and go and cover me over like quicksand.  I was not avoiding any emotions by self-medicating, which was good because what I realized is that what would arise in the anger and doubt most of the time was a questioning of my own self-worth.  There is no doubt that divorce gets you out of your physical comfort zone like a tornado whipping through your town, but it also gets you out of our comfortable thought patterns as well. This is why change can be so damn hard. Everything you know gets turned upside down and the world as you knew it has changed and would never be the same again. Knowing it happened for a number of reasons still does not make the process any easier when all you do is dwell on it. It was this pattern of dwelling on things that I needed to change and really mix things up.

The goal of doing something physical was to feel and shift the energy in my body usually from my head and stomach area which felt heavy and thick to the heart where I could open it up and clear the stuck emotions. This would bring a much lighter and easy feeling which I really needed. This awareness of how a heavy emotion affects your body is key to releasing stuck energy. Try to be aware of what part of your body you feel the sensation, and imagine moving it into your heart area. Now imagine and feel your heart opening releasing and letting go of that heavy sticky feeling and thick emotion. Practice doing do this and if the pit in your stomach is still there do it again and really feel the love welling out of you and encompassing your whole body. This lightness will come just keep going.

One of the best explanations of this is by Arnold Patent. His 19 Universal Principles in his book The Journey discusses that everything is energy and that how we use this energy with our belief patterns and actions determines how we experience life. This is one of the 19 that hits home for me:

Oneness: “Since the essence of everything is pure loving energy, in the truest sense, we are One. Oneness, love, is indivisible. Whenever we attempt to withhold love from anyone, we withhold love from everyone, including our Self. The truth of this principle becomes clear as we allow our hearts to open and feel our interconnectedness.”

Your body & ataraxies in any situation. A fun word meaning the absence of mental stress or anxiety. A quietness, tranquility, a state of peace.

The most amazing aspect of getting in touch with feeling the body is that at any given time in your day with any interaction with people you know or don’t you can feel where the tightness or resistance is and have the awareness to take a deep breath and let it go.

 Does it feel tight in your shoulders or the pit of your stomach? Does your neck hurt or hips ache? Some of these are the natural part of being physical moving through your day, but there is a difference with emotional tightness or ache that I noticed.  One of my goals was to clear my own negative thoughts with my awareness of my own body, because for me it is an immediate indicator of what is going on in my head. Your awareness of where and what this sensation feels like is key to being able to clear this emotional baggage. I can then take a deep slow breath and focus my thought (which is energy) to that spot.  Many people send light or love to that spot, visualize golden light to that spot (think the Sun).

You may at this time have an emotion or thought come up when you are focusing on this area. See if this thought is one that is being held on too for reason. Breath the thought and emotion out of your body and feel the lightness that comes to you. For me the ache you feel will usually go away as well.

I find it fascinating to see what Louise Hay’s book “You can Heal your life” says about the particular body part or area that is giving you problems. See if the emotional energy she says needs to be released might be what you need to do. She also says “Well, I believe you created those experiences over and over because they mirrored something you believed about yourself. It doesn’t really matter how long we have had a problem, or how big it is, or how life-threatening it is. The Point of Power Is Always in the Present Moment” ― Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

So, listen to your body, this approach is great for being in the present moment and reenergizing yourself. This calm feeling is what you should feel in meditation or when you take a moment to see something beautiful and acknowledge its beauty.

Try to make decisions in any situation that will lead you to quiet peaceful mind. Ask yourself in a moment of indecision what choice in the long run will keep me balanced? It is by not reacting to something that is happening in that moment that is your quest, just pausing to get clarity and trust that the best decisions will always come to you.

This is not as hard as it may seem, if you start small by pausing throughout your day to just stop what you are doing for that second and breathe deep and feel the breath in your body come in slow and go out slow. That’s it! By starting with these Peace Pit Stops throughout your day you will be able to do this when something seemingly much more important is happening.  Try it now while you are reading this, it’s a good place to start so that your feelings and emotions don’t run your life.

The neuroscientist Dr. Alan Watkins gives a great explanation of the difference between feelings and emotions. He says that emotions are energy-in-motion and that there are 34,000 different emotions we could feel.

Feelings are the awareness in our mind of that energy or e-motion. Our job is see and understand our emotional life. Everyone knows people who hover around certain emotions all the time. You have meet people who can act nice one moment to then blowing up over a simple misunderstanding. The question is what areas of all these different emotions do you seem to continually hover? Exploring this will help you get a handle on changing your behavior. Seeing these stuck emotions continually cycling can help you move from a victim to taking ownership of your emotional life. Which I believe is key to coming back to a place of love.

I would recommend watching his Ted Talk called How You Feel What You Feel December 18, 2015.