The Divorce of Love

Comedian Nate Bargatze:

“People ask if I’m living the dream. I say yeah. It’s a nap dream. The kind where you wake up confused and slightly ashamed.”

The problem with the phrase “living the dream” is that if we were truly living our dream, we wouldn’t need to say it or even think of it that way. We’d be so fully engaged in our lives—loving, doing, being, and sharing—that the thought wouldn’t even cross our minds. We’d simply be present, living in the moment.

If you’re living a joyful life, you already know that challenges are just part of the journey, and you learn to flow with them. Being the full expression of who you truly are—beyond the ego—is what I believe we’re all striving for. Being in the flow is our natural state. But the trouble is, we overthink everything. So STOP IT! Meditate, go for a walk, just get out of your head.

I believe that if we stopped trying to “solve” the problems of being human and simply started living, we’d all be much calmer and happier.

“What’s the difference between going to war and getting a divorce? At least in war, you have a chance of dying.”
—B. Santistevan

To live your dream with passion and inspiration, you must be open to all kinds of experiences—even the ones that kick your ass, like divorce. I know it’s hard to keep an open heart and mind when you’re hurting so much and it feels like your world has fallen apart. But this, too, is part of the journey toward becoming whole: more compassionate and more loving toward ourselves and others. Just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Be gentle with yourself. The softening of our sharp emotional edges is part of truly living your dream.

Consistently returning to a place of calm within yourself—to balance the mind—is the only thing you really ever have control over. Marc Ian Barasch writes in Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A Search for the Soul of Kindness, “It’s only when the ego bows out that the curtain rises on real life. That it’s more blessed to give than to receive is not just a moral nostrum, they say, but a prescription for authentic joy.”

Committing to the idea that I will no longer add self-created drama to my life has been one of the most important shifts in perspective for me to maintain peace in the present moment. When making a tough decision, I’ll ask myself: What choice in this situation will give me the best chance to return to a balanced perspective and peace of mind? As the saying goes, “You can be right, or you can be happy.” So, what do you choose most of the time? Your life is a direct reflection of those kinds of choices.

So, is living the dream something real we can actually attain? Try this: think back to when you were younger and ask your 20-year-old self—what did “living the dream” mean to you then? Was it having a car, $1,000 in the bank, and a good job?

Maybe it was having a wife and kids to travel with, creating memories together. Maybe your dream was going to college or learning to speak in front of a large crowd. What was driving you then—and how has that changed? Have you discovered what your gift to the world is?

Now ask yourself: Would your 20-year-old self think you’re living the dream today? I think so. But I also think we forget how much life has already given us—and how much more we can still give.

Was getting married and divorced a mistake? I don’t think so. I believe things happen for a reason. If going through marriage and divorce helped soften you, helped you become a more loving person, then it wasn’t a mistake—it was a transformation.

If you’re not happy with your life and feel your younger self would be disappointed, ask yourself: What would I have done differently—and what can I do now to realize my true capacity?

What I’ve realized in my past relationships is this: as humans, we need to bond. It’s natural for us to make connections. But we must first have a loving relationship with ourselves before we can have one with anyone else. If you skip this step, you’ll create a dream that turns into a nightmare—full of stress and disappointment. That’s when people start looking outside themselves for relief—in drugs, alcohol, or even more dysfunctional relationships.

At one point, I felt like I had nothing to lose by doing the inner work to understand why I felt the way I did. I was tired of my ego staging life as this grand play called fear.

As I’ve said before, you have two choices: live in fear or in love (and joy). From experience, I can tell you—love is a hell of a lot more fun. And in the long run, it’s much easier. As Pema Chödrön says, “Rejoice in ordinary life.”

In Old English, the word dream meant “joy,” “noise,” or “music.” So what will you do, and how will you act, to create your own joy and music in this life? It’s never too late. Going through the pain of divorce can be a powerful catalyst for change, opening your heart to your dream life.

So, what does “living the dream” mean for us?

Comedian Maria Bamford:

“I’m living the dream! It’s just heavily medicated and supervised by a life coach who’s also my dog.”

This is the million-dollar question. How do we get back on track after our world has fallen apart? How do we view change as growth—and move forward in a compassionate, loving way to live our dream?

What I’ve learned is that the best life is a simple one—free from unnecessary drama, where you’re no longer held hostage by the monkey mind. It’s a life of peace and mental freedom in a world that constantly overstimulates us. This calm, inspired way of living is key to my dream life. It’s also about doing what I love, having the free time and financial abundance to share with others, and being free from the worry that robs us of the present moment.

Because life isn’t static, it makes sense that our idea of “the dream” changes as we age. For a 20-something, it might be having a car, a job, and a girlfriend. But for me now, and for many of us in midlife, it’s about good health, new adventures, and a loving, healthy family to share it with.

Robert F. Kennedy in a 1966 speech:

“There is a Chinese curse which says, ‘May he live in interesting times.’ Like it or not we live in interesting times.”

Even then, they knew that being overly consumed with the outside world was unhealthy. Today, we see this in the stress-related diseases and overmedication that have become so common.

So how do we simplify our lives?

By first becoming aware of our emotional patterns and old baggage—and then working through them, step by step, like anything else we want to improve. Once you recognize your emotional footprint, you’ll need the courage to step into the unknown parts of yourself: the angry, fearful, sad, and exhausted places. This isn’t a race, but I believe it’s the real reason we’re here—the most important journey we can take—to raise our consciousness and live our best life, co-creating with the universe.

When I’m troubled, I take a rest. Then, with a clearer head, I envision how I want my life to unfold. Each of us must learn to touch the joy and well-being that already lives within us and let it be our guide. You’ll know you’re there when you feel lighter and calmer. Life will have a felt simplicity. I often experience this same lightness of being when I’m in nature. Things slow down. I become present.

So put it out into the world like a fantasy with unlimited possibilities. Because as novelist Margaret Drabble once said, “When nothing is certain, everything is possible.”

We began The Divorce of Love with the death of a dream—examples of how divorce can transform you. We also shared tools and suggestions to support positive change.

Now I close with Living the Dream—urging you to take control of your ego and reactive nature and move forward in a state of grace.

Because what I hope you’ve realized through all of this is that even though everything changes—and what once seemed like a dream come true may now be a painful memory—you can survive and thrive, if you’re willing to do the emotional clearing.

One of my favorite visions of the dream comes from Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. In the chapter The New Dream: Heaven on Earth, he writes:

“Imagine living without the fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected, and you don’t have the need to be accepted. You can say ‘I love you’ with no shame or justification. You can work in the world with your heart completely open and not be afraid to be hurt.”

That’s what I aim for.

Don’t be afraid to be hurt.

The Divorce of Love has two meanings for me: first, the end of a romantic relationship, and second, the internal disconnection from love that happens when we act out of anger, fear, or hate. Many people today have divorced love from themselves, seeing the world as a fearful, reactive place—and creating their own personal hells on earth.

This is part of the human condition—until we realize the power we hold within. Once you share your love with the world, you don’t lose anything by taking a chance on love. Because really, it’s just taking a chance on yourself.

We are all, after all, doomed to contract Incurable Oldness Disease.

“Being in a relationship does not change who you are. It does not make you better, and it does not make you worse. You are just the same in a relationship as you are when you are not in one. Whatever you are without a relationship, you are when you have one. The only relationship that matters is the one you have with yourself.”
—from Trish Withus, There Is Only Love

If we understood that we each construct the world we live in—one thought at a time—we’d be more mindful of our thoughts, and more selective about what we allow into our minds. Because bad input leads to bad output.

Your dream, whatever it may be, is in your control. Making step-by-step changes with the right help and support is key. Know that you do have the power within to make the changes needed to live a more balanced, joyful life—and the imagination and self-love to create a new dream. Life goes on. And so will you.

I recommend reading some of the authors I’ve quoted throughout this book. Without their inspiration at different times in my journey, I know it would’ve taken me much longer to find the balance and love I now experience. What I’ve shared here is how I found myself again after being lost in the emotional storm of my own divorce… of love.

It was this idea of sharing my story to help others that inspired me to write this. My hope is that you’ll use these tools to forge your own life into a full, loving expression of your true nature.

Cheers to you!!!

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive
everybody”.  – Maya Angelou

This chapter is about navigating life with greater ease and the deep inner knowing that you will be all right. You must trust this truth.

Why? Because you no longer let yourself get hooked by the small stuff. And when the big things hit, your awareness prevents you from spiraling. As Buddhist philosophy teaches, you begin to practice “concerned detachment.” You’re still in the game of life, but not so attached to the outcome that it drives you crazy.

In a society obsessed with being number one, you’ve stepped back from the illusion. You’ve turned inward—toward your heart and intuition. When you understand that life is infinite and that change is the only constant, you start to see how attachment and identification create suffering. This realization allows you to move through life’s inevitable challenges—even divorce—with grace and intention.

Letting go is scary. We all experienced it as children—falling off our bikes, letting go of the pool wall, being rejected by a crush. Those early stings felt like the end of the world at times.

As adults, the fear of losing control—even over small things—can feel terrifying. Especially for men, there’s often a deep-seated need to control the environment: holding the TV remote, dominating the conversation, offering unsolicited advice.

But this desire for control is a phantom. Deep down, we know it’s an illusion. Still, we cling to it, because it feels safe. We crave certainty—even though, in truth, certainty is a myth. We’ll all learn this, eventually.

As Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön writes in Start Where You Are:

“One of the things that keeps us unhappy is this continual searching for pleasure or security—searching for a little more comfortable situation, either at the domestic level, the spiritual level, or the level of mental peace.” (p. 97)

The only way to move through the “stuff” of our lives is to become aware of why we do what we do. Ask yourself: What do I believe about myself? About the world? Then examine those beliefs. How many were inherited? How many still shape your life without your permission?

Pay attention to your mental chatter. How much of it tears you down? How much of it shuts your heart off to avoid more hurt?

Ask yourself: Why do I beat myself up so much? Then listen to what rises. As I’ve said before, journal. Write down what you’re feeling. Track your patterns. Observe what you’re projecting onto the world. When a heavy emotion hits, notice where it lands in your body. Breathe into that space. Visualize the emotion flowing through you and cry if you must.

In The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida writes:

“Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man’s true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt… He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love—even from that place.” (Chapter 2, p. 17)

This is the treasure. This is every person’s true power: to stand firm in the pain and still access the wellspring of love within.

I’ve felt my own arrows of pain—many of them self-inflicted. But I learned to let them pass through me without clinging to their emotional weight. Eventually, the arrows stopped coming. If you want to truly shift your life, you must forgive yourself. That’s often the hardest part—especially when pain becomes so familiar it feels like home.

But the sooner you recognize it and offer yourself grace, the sooner you move forward.

Marc Ian Barasch puts it beautifully in Field Notes on the Compassionate Life:

“At its most basic, forgiveness is an act of self-healing… Forgiveness begins with acknowledging one’s own pain, shame, and sense of failure; healing the shattered sense of self-worth… To liberate ourselves from a hurt inflicted by another takes the psychological courage to open an old wound…” (p. 214)

These aren’t just personal feelings—they’ve shaped history. Psychiatrist Yitzhak Mendelsohn once said:

“People get hooked into a potent resentment that primes them for revenge and escalation. Hate becomes a way to create the illusion of power.”

Forgiveness—like love—must be unconditional.

As the pain begins to soften and you stop obsessing over what you can’t control, love returns—first for yourself, then for others. Watch for synchronicities. As I like to say, drive in the “divine lane.” Life begins to align with surprising ease. Stop overthinking. Think divine. Because life is divine and so are you.

I once read that two things make us both happy and sad: getting what we want and not getting what we want. As Eckhart Tolle says in A New Earth:

“People want to want more than they want to have.”

When we choose from ego or fear, we stay unsatisfied. Even relationships that seem grounded in love may, deep down, be efforts to fill a void.

Daily practice is essential to stay aligned with your higher self. Relationships require honesty, vulnerability, forgiveness, and a willingness to let life unfold—while staying rooted in love.

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The Big F-Word: Forgiveness

I love what Archbishop Desmond Tutu said during South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation process:

“To forgive is the highest form of self-interest. I need to forgive so that my anger and resentment and lust for revenge don’t corrode my own being.”

We all want to feel connected and alive. And the best way to show up in this life is with an open heart and the courage to speak your truth.

Everyone is yearning for authenticity and belonging. And to get there, we must let ourselves be seen, love wholeheartedly, and give that love without needing it to be returned.

This is our essence—our joy. We are enough. We must treat ourselves with kindness and remember: what we do impacts others. We’re all connected.

“Love is the pain of being truly alive.”
— Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

I know—it feels impossible to move forward when you’re hurting. So how do you begin?

Start with self-forgiveness. Then, forgive the other person—for what they said, for what they did. If it feels out of reach, give it time. Healing takes commitment.

I changed because I got tired of the inner war. Returning to love was simply easier.

Eventually, you’ll find that you can bless the other person and wish them well—not out of surrender, but because you’ve released what once weighed you down. You’re not giving something up. You’re reclaiming your peace.

This shift creates space inside you. Bitterness leaves. Love returns. The truth is, love never left. It was just waiting for you to let it back in.

As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches:

“Compassion is the key to forgiveness and moving to a place of love.”

And once you understand this, gratitude becomes essential. It’s the oil that turns the wheel of life. Gratitude brings love and abundance into your world.

Start small—a warm bed, a working car, a healthy body. Feel those blessings. Let them remind you that joy is possible, even now.

This state of grace—of quiet joy—is the magic that makes life feel beautiful again.

“It is hard to be taken advantage of when you give without expectation.”
— Gary Vaynerchuk, Instagram (2/11/18)

After a while, if you’re staying aware and have worked through much of the emotional baggage that constantly surfaced in the beginning, you may reach a crossroads—a point where you’re done fighting and resisting. You just want to move forward without dragging the pain and sadness into everything you do.

The real question becomes: Do you want to learn from what’s happened and evolve, or stay stuck in the drama—blaming and resenting your ex, or even yourself? I found it emotionally exhausting to keep all that negative energy bottled up in my mind and body.

If you truly want a different path, you must learn from the emotional triggers that arise. If you’re unwilling to change your mindset, you’ll keep attracting more drama, less love—and probably repeat the same relationship patterns you just escaped.

Staying in the same mental loop will eventually drive you crazy. Real change begins the moment you choose to think and act differently—when you accept that life starts fresh in every moment.

I’ve seen it again and again: people who avoid taking responsibility for their part end up reliving the same emotional pain in different relationships. The universe has a way of mirroring back what you’re putting out. We co-create our reality—first in thought, then in action. That’s why it’s essential to examine your beliefs and recognize how patterns of negative thinking shape your view of yourself and others.

I know I sound like a broken record, but this is crucial—not just for your personal growth, but for the collective healing of the planet.

Ask yourself: What do you want to manifest in your life? What kind of energy are you sending into the world? Your life reflects what you think, say, and do. This isn’t just some woo-woo mantra—it’s about living in integrity, not just preaching it.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this before.” But have you really practiced it? Have you ever truly tested it out? What you put out comes back. This has proven true in my life—whether buying a home, healing friendships, or navigating love. See it. Feel it. Believe it. Visualize how you want your healing journey to unfold—and no, hiring a hitman is not the solution, okay?

Do you believe that small acts of kindness ripple outward and eventually return to you? Put out hate, get hate. Put out love, get love. It’s simple in theory—but tough in practice.

Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and author of The Happiness Hypothesis, writes:

“Gossip and reputation make sure that what comes around—a person who is cruel will find others cruel back to him, and a person who is kind will find others kind in return… As long as everyone plays tit-for-tat, augmented by gratitude, vengeance, and gossip, the whole system should work beautifully.”

Key Thought: When I felt tempted to act out of anger or spite, I reminded myself: what I put out comes back tenfold—and ultimately impacts my daughters. That awareness kept me grounded and brought me back to my core value: strive for peace of mind in every situation.

Choosing to stop adding drama to my life was a turning point. It can be for you, too.

Marc Ian Barasch, in Field Notes on the Compassionate Life, writes:

“We owe a debt to those who suffer because they draw forth our tenderness… It’s giving that turns on the juice, taps us into the infinite current.”

I believe this deeply—because I’ve lived it. Don’t believe me? Try it. Be generous until it hurts. Watch what happens. You won’t regret it.

You’ve probably heard all of this before. But ask yourself: Do you live by it? Do you let it shift your energy? What’s your ego putting into the world? Would you be proud to share that with others?

Does it elevate you—and those around you—or feed the drama pig?

Once you make the shift, you’ll begin to recognize others who’ve done the same. They walk with lightness, ask great questions, make others feel comfortable, and laugh easily. Their authenticity is contagious. They don’t gossip or judge. They just show up for life—whether it’s a quiet dinner or a wild concert.

And if you’re thinking, “I used to be like that, but this divorce is killing me,” don’t stress. The fact that you’re reading this and seeking growth means you’re already on the path. That’s awareness. That’s progress.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.
(Hopefully it’s not another train, ha!) 

Be patient with yourself. Taking longer to heal doesn’t mean you’re broken. Trust your intuition—those soft, quiet nudges—no matter what others say. Just take the next right step.

On the flip side, we all know people who are stuck in loops. They retell their breakup story like it’s on repeat. I’ve been there, too. But a good friend will lovingly listen—and then call you out. Keep that friend close. They’re gold.

“Complaining is not a strategy.” — Jeff Bezos

Life and relationships don’t have finish lines. They’re fluid, evolving experiences. A “successful” marriage isn’t just one that lasts—it’s one that teaches you how to love more deeply. Success is loving fully—through joy, pain, chaos, and calm.

Change sometimes feels like holding on for dear life in a storm—like a bull in a china shop… or a dispensary. Your call.

I used to try to control everything—especially how my ex handled things with the kids. But control? It’s an illusion. The tighter you grip, the more life slips through your fingers. Letting go and trusting the process means watching your thoughts and choosing patience over panic.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable—this feeling of groundlessness. But this is where your breath becomes your anchor. When your thoughts spiral, pause. Step outside. Walk. Don’t react. Wait until the mental waters calm. Then speak. Then act.

Wisdom means emotional honesty—especially with yourself. The way you speak to yourself about your past shapes every future relationship: with friends, colleagues, lovers, even your kids.

It’s about making peace with the past—and discovering joy in the ordinary present.

John Gray, author and relationship expert, echoes this:

“It’s important to complete a past relationship and understand what went wrong—with forgiveness and acceptance. As long as you have unresolved issues, the door to new relationships remains closed. You’ll keep repeating the same patterns until you’ve made peace with the past. Every relationship has its ups and downs. The key is having the skills to come back into love.”
(Catalyst Magazine, July 2015)

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
— Maya Angelou

Are you done with the fighting or not?
That’s the question you have to ask yourself—over and over again.

Who—and what—are you fighting for?
More importantly, who do you want to be after all this?

These aren’t easy questions. But if you don’t get honest about them, the stress of long-term conflict will bury you.
I know—because I lived it.

After a couple of years locked in that adversarial mindset, I was just done. The heaviness, the tension—it had seeped into every part of my life.
I didn’t want to carry it anymore.

I’ve seen what happens to people who fight for too long.
Months—sometimes years—of bitter court battles, power plays, and emotional landmines. Eventually, it stops being about fairness or healing and becomes about control, ego, and pain.

Some people get so deeply stuck in that emotional loop, they wall themselves off completely.
They start living in their judgment of the past—unable to feel much of anything anymore.

But others—like me—reach a point where we realize: losing ourselves in the fight just isn’t worth it.

Whether you win or lose a few bucks in court is small consolation if you’ve sacrificed your inner peace along the way.

When your heart hardens—even against one person—it affects your entire being:
Mind. Body. Spirit.

That kind of living shuts out love, joy, and meaning.

What you think and say becomes your reality.
And no one in their right mind should want to live in a constant state of anger and resentment.
Sadly, many do.

So take a moment and examine the beliefs you’re still clinging to—about yourself, about your ex.
Are you still playing the drama card when it comes to money, custody, or your past relationship?

These are common traps.

But when you release the negative stories you’ve been telling yourself, you begin to reclaim your power.

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Perspective Over Pain

Life isn’t as serious as we often make it out to be.
Are you homeless? Starving? Completely incapable of building a meaningful life?

Probably not.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little perspective to shift everything.

Still—what do you do when you hit the crossroads?

Some people let go easily. For others, it’s like pulling teeth.
If your ego is running the show, you’re going to resist.
The cold, egocentric types? They’re not even trying to move on. You can spot them a mile away—in how they talk, how they carry themselves.

Personally, I avoid those emotional black holes like the plague.

When the emotional fog starts to lift, try this:
Sit in stillness. Let your mind settle. Observe your thoughts without judgment.
Don’t think—just be. And see what comes up in that space.

It’s in that lightness—what I call the gap between you and your thoughts—that you connect with your source.

That’s where your intuition lives.
That’s where truth and healing begin to unfold.

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Letting Go as Empowerment

This is empowerment:
Letting go of the story. Moving forward.
Not without fear or pain—but with hope. With clarity. With self-love.

Author Stewart Levine, who’s written extensively on conflict resolution, offers ten principles for compromise. One of the most powerful is:

“One of the primary contributors to adversity is the belief that if you get yours, then there won’t be enough for me.”

That’s a scarcity mindset. And it poisons everything.

The antidote?

Find out what the other person wants—and help them get it.
Often, they’ll do the same for you.

Instead of fighting over a tiny pie, ask: How can we make the pie bigger?

Collaboration beats competition every time.

Here are a few more of Levine’s insights that resonated with me:

• You have to care more about moving on than about being right.
  
• Are you creating enemies in your head and becoming self-righteous?
  
• Don’t get attached to outcomes—conflict is emotional, not logical.
  
• Shift your view of the other person—remember, they’re in pain too.
  
• Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.
  
• Surrender to find yourself.
  

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The Real Meaning of Surrender

Let’s talk about that last one—surrender.

I don’t mean giving the other person everything they want.
I mean surrendering to your higher self—your knowing, your clarity.

Let go of the illusion of control.
Let go of the cycle of negative energy you keep throwing out and receiving right back like emotional boomerangs.

You have to understand:
Your thoughts have power.
The energy you send out, comes back to you and then you live in it.

If you’re filled with mean, judgmental thoughts, then you are the one living in that negativity.

So if you need to vent—do it.
Do it in private.
Do it on paper.
Scream in the car.
Write it all out—then crumple it and burn it. Release it.

As Irish-American writer Malachy McCourt once said:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

What you’re really trying to do is transmute that toxic energy into something life-affirming.
Into something that supports you.

Divorce pain will bring out the worst in you.
It’ll make you think and say things you never imagined.

But the goal is awareness.
Catch yourself in those moments. Notice your self-talk.

When rage bubbles up—step back. Breathe. Run. Walk. Journal. Cry.
Whatever you do, don’t keep stuffing it down.

Let it out—in a way that helps you heal, not harm.

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Trust in Frequency

Perfection is a lie we’ve bought into—some unreachable state we chase, without realizing we were already whole at our core.

Recently, I came across the term “Trust Frequency” in a book by Connie Baxter Marlow and Andrew Bailey.
It struck a deep chord.

The idea is that there are two main energetic frequencies: Love and Fear.

The Fear Frequency lives in the ego—in doubt, in the belief that we’re not enough.
It comes from outside sources that keep us off-balance.

But the Love Frequency?
That’s internal.
It helps us move through pain with courage.
It helps us remember who we are.

It’s not easy to trust after heartbreak. But that’s exactly what we have to do:

Trust that we weren’t meant to fail.
That suffering is part of life—not the definition of it.
That, at our core, there is more to us than we can imagine.

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You Are Not Broken

If I could remove one thing from the world, it would be the negative self-talk that poisons so many people’s lives.

If we could stop being our own worst critics, we could transform the world.

We constantly hold ourselves up to this insane standard of perfection—then judge everyone else by it too.
It’s exhausting. And pointless.

We need to stop acting like our day-to-day annoyances are life-or-death.
They’re not.

Worrying about things you can’t control is a guaranteed path to misery.

So how do you shift?

Step by step. Day by day.

It starts with awareness.
Catch yourself when the old, painful thoughts show up.
Don’t feed them. Don’t suppress them. Just be present—and let them pass.

You must use every tool available to stop the spiral of negativity.

Because if you don’t work to change your beliefs about yourself, you’ll stay stuck in the same suffering loop.

It won’t happen overnight. Or even in a few months.

But with patience, self-compassion, and practice—you will feel grounded again.

I noticed my shift a couple of months after I moved out.
By the six-month mark, I had longer stretches of peace.
Less reactivity. More clarity.

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When you release old beliefs,  you reclaim your power.

And that’s what I wish for you—and for everyone on this planet.

“No one ever told me grief felt like fear.” — C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

God knows, as men, we tend to keep everything bottled up. We don’t share our pain or sorrow, thinking it’s a sign of weakness or that it’s somehow unmanly. Nothing could be further from the truth. KNOW THIS: Courage isn’t about suffering in silence. It’s about being vulnerable enough to dive into the depths of your grief and face the emotional dragon that’s been haunting you. You can slay that dragon—if you have the strength, knowledge, and support to do it.

So what does it take?

I love what Dr. Brené Brown says about courage:

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is ‘cor’—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences—good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ‘ordinary courage.’”
— Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and   Courage in a Culture of Shame

How do you get the courage to share your pain?
For me, it started with having a confidant—someone I trusted. That person could be a therapist or an honest friend who listens to your heart but doesn’t feed your drama. In my case, it began with my former wife and I going to a marriage counselor we both respected. He had an incredible bullshit meter and could drop a truth bomb that left me thinking, Wow, I never thought about it that way. Or, I didn’t realize I was doing that. [Improved clarity, phrasing, and pacing.]

As odd as it sounds, my lawyer—who was also a longtime friend—became one of my greatest sounding boards during and after the divorce. He had gone through a similar process himself and knew how to help me unpack what I was feeling and why. He had a way of gently pointing out how the actions I was considering might just add more fuel to the fire. Especially when kids are involved, you have to think long-term. Even after they turn 18, your former spouse is still going to be part of your life. So build up some goodwill now—you’ll need it later.

This process—grieving, healing, rebuilding—is about nurturing all parts of yourself: mental, physical, and spiritual. If one part gets neglected, the whole system suffers. There’s no single “right” way to do this. Everyone’s path to wholeness is different. So experiment. Be open. Try something new.

Here’s how you’ll know you’re on the right track: what you’re considering doing makes you feel uncomfortable or scared. That’s your signal. Move toward that fear. And yeah—fuck no, it’s not easy. But do it anyway and see what happens. I promise, you’ll be surprised at how you feel when you begin to open up. 

For some, healing might come through church, spiritual reading, music, or creative expression like drawing or dance. Whatever it is, make time for it. Stretch yourself. Take a risk on you. Get out of your comfort zone. Mix it up! If you’re bored—guess what? That’s on you. Take your mind off the loop of work, kids, and self-obsession. 

From experience, I can tell you that life improves—not just yours, but the lives of those around you—when you stop stressing over what you can’t control. Control is a huge issue for many of us. It’s drilled into us from childhood. But when unmanaged, the stress from trying to control everything can literally kill you.

Dr. Gabor Maté breaks it down clearly:

“The research literature has identified three factors that universally lead to stress: uncertainty, the lack of information, and the loss of control.”
— Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection

Don’t overthink it. You’re stronger than you imagine.

We all know people who replay old relationship stories on repeat. I’ve got a friend who seems to thrive on relationship drama—because it’s what he knows. It’s how he grew up. If you’re still carrying unresolved pain from past relationships or family wounds, the cycle won’t break until you’re ready to let go. I was that angry guy once—hostile toward everything. It was poison. And I knew if I wanted another relationship in my life, I had to clean house emotionally. No one deserves to live with an angry partner. 

So how did I do it?

By crying. At first, to feel the pain—and then, to release it. Crying became a way to evict the emotional squatters that had set up camp in my head. I felt like I was purging illness from my body—emotional toxicity leaving through tears. Sometimes I would cry for no obvious reason, but I knew why deep down. It was grief moving through me.

If you’re a guy, maybe you see that as weak. But I dare you to try it the next time a heavy wave hits and you’re alone.

Washington Irving once wrote:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

I think you’ll be amazed—as I was—when you allow yourself to cry. The overwhelming emotions subside. They lose their grip. It’s like lancing a boil or healing a wound.

After a crying session, my body felt lighter. Like I had puked up something rotten. Crying wasn’t weakness—it was physical healing. I was making space in myself, clearing out the pain so I could fill it with something better: my own loving heart. 

Still not convinced?

Dr. William Frey, a biochemist and “tear expert,” found that emotional tears actually remove stress hormones from the body. Reflex tears (like those from cutting onions) are 98% water, but emotional tears carry toxins. Crying literally releases stress. [Clarified science and tightened prose.]

In Psychology Today, Dr. Judith Orloff writes that a good cry is a form of emotional cleansing. It releases pent-up feelings, reduces fatigue and pain, and triggers endorphins—natural painkillers.

Crying helps your mind, your body, and your spirit. It’s a natural release. So give yourself the permission, the time, and the space to feel. To express. To grieve.

Stop judging yourself for crying. Those tears are unspoken words, pain leaving your body. One day, they won’t come so often. But until then, let them fall. They’re part of the process.

Practice patience. Show compassion for yourself. Every tear carries away a little more of the weight.

Grief is a brutal teacher. But it teaches us who we are, who we want to be, and who we can become.

In time, we learn we can survive what once seemed impossible. Grief introduces us to our own resilience. Through it, we gain deeper awareness, stronger connections, and more intentional purpose. It teaches us that while change is inevitable, we don’t have to be defined by loss. We can grow. We can evolve. We can transform.

Jennifer Stern, LISW, writes on her website Transformative Grief:

“Let your tears fall with pride, for they are not a sign of weakness or self-pity, but an authentic expression of sorrow. It takes great courage to feel your feelings, to express them openly and honestly. Grief work takes guts, persistence, patience, self-compassion, and courage—lots and lots of courage. Tears are the sweat of grief work.”

It’s not your job to make others comfortable with your grief. Your job is to grieve. To feel. To heal. If your tears make others uncomfortable, calmly tell them the truth:

“I cry because I grieve. I cry because I lost someone I love. I cry because life will always be bittersweet now. I cry because there are no words for how I feel. I cry because I’m brave enough to face another day with this pain in my heart.”

When we witness someone crying, it reminds us of our own powerlessness to fix their pain. But sometimes, the most supportive thing we can do is just sit with them. Breathe. Hold the space. Let the tears come.

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 Relax into the changes:
Allow yourself to cry. Let the pain out. It changes everything—your perspective, your energy, your heart. We are never separate. We are all connected. And the more we remember that, the more we return to love and light. Let a few tears fall. It’s one of the most powerful things you can do.

Edit for grammar, clarity, punctuation, flow, grammar, structure, consistency and overall readability. highlight significant changes while preserving my voice and the authenticity of your message. Also use [brackets], with explanations at the end where needed for any changes or updates.

By WAS

When I got divorced, some of my single guy friends assumed I’d be out every night chasing tail—like some of them still were. But that wasn’t me. I was emotionally and physically drained after the first year of moving out. The idea of being with someone new was just a fleeting thought. I knew I’d be ready someday—but only after I’d created enough balance and emotional space to let someone new into my life.

What I really needed was to return to the calm, happy, positive person I used to be.

Returning to Balance

So how could I get back there—back to a more balanced version of myself?

I figured the best place to start was by getting active and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. When I talk about “creating space,” I mean cultivating a still, uncluttered mind—free of mental chatter, doubt, and the repetitive, pointless thoughts that crash in like waves every day.

As a young man, I was always fascinated by the nature of life—from the physical universe to the spiritual (or metaphysical) realm. That curiosity went into overdrive when, at 25, I gave up Catholicism for Lent.

My mom—who’s more Catholic than the Pope—was not pleased. Every year she’d ask, “What are you giving up for Lent?” When I said, “Catholicism,” I swear I could smell incense—frankincense and myrrh—wafting through the phone. I’m almost certain she threw holy water at the receiver.

I’d grown up in a tight-knit Catholic community, attending parochial school from grade school through high school. But eventually, I needed something deeper than the stand-up, sit-down, fight-fight rhythm of marching Catholics.

That moment launched a lifelong spiritual exploration—Taoism, Mormonism, Unitarianism, Buddhism, New Age thought. I read about the historical Jesus, and devoured books by Joseph Campbell, Robert Bly, Eckhart Tolle, Kahlil Gibran, and more. My soul was thirsty. I knew there had to be more to life than just trying to get to heaven and avoid hell.

I eventually learned to meditate, guided by a teacher. It showed me how to quiet my mind and truly be present—something I still strive to practice every day.

But by the time I was 35 and married, the calm, balanced man I’d become had started to fade. Life got busy: building a business, raising kids, caring for my wife and our home. I lost track of what kept me grounded.

That was on me.

I let go of the practices and awareness that made me feel whole. I got swept up in life’s details—the ones that distract us from our true nature and connection to others. It’s easy to buy into the illusion that what matters most is always outside of us.

Getting Physical

To return to a more balanced life, I knew I had to burn off the emotional energy building up inside me. The best way for me to do that was to get physical. I asked myself:
What will get me moving? What will shake things up?

Deep down, I knew this path would help me reclaim my life—energize my body, free my mind, and heal my heart.

The universe has a funny way of nudging you. And when I ignore those nudges, they usually show up three times—in different ways—within a few days.

That’s exactly what happened with yoga.

I’d always wanted to try it, but dragged my feet. I felt awkward—not knowing the moves, not wanting to be the odd man out. But then a woman I went to high school with mentioned she was teaching yoga. That was the push I needed.

Once I started, I never looked back.

I’ve been practicing yoga two to three times a week for years—and I sleep like a baby on those days.

Whether it’s yoga, a cooking class, hitting the gym, biking, or even just taking a walk, we all need a way to release the emotional weight we carry. Getting active doesn’t mean active drinking. We need real movement—real change—to reconnect with ourselves and reset the mind, body, and spirit.

Yoga was exactly what I needed. It helped me tune into my body and notice what was going on inside. As I practiced, energy centers in my body opened. I could breathe deeper and feel more grounded. I found backbends especially helpful—opening the heart and releasing emotional blockages.

I’d visualize my chest as a treasure chest, unlocking and pouring out pink and golden light. Sounds strange, maybe—but my heartache actually began to subside. I wasn’t holding it in anymore. I was opening up—wholeheartedly—and letting it all out. It was deeply healing.

If you haven’t tried a class, I highly recommend it. Besides, let’s face it—you’re not getting any younger. Yoga helps with flexibility, and it’s a great place to meet like-minded people and make new friends.

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Heavy and Light Energy

Another key shift was learning to let go of toxic self-talk. Those quick, fleeting negative thoughts used to drag me down like emotional quicksand. I wasn’t self-medicating, which helped. But I realized that most of my anger and doubt came from deeper issues—especially questioning my own self-worth.

Divorce shakes your whole foundation. It tears through your life like a tornado—not just physically, but mentally too. That’s why change feels so hard. Everything flips upside down. Even when you know it was the right decision, it still hurts. And if you keep replaying it in your head, the pain sticks around.

I had to break that loop.

Physical movement helped me shift that heavy emotional energy—from the fog in my head and gut to the openness of my heart. Moving that stuck energy helped me feel lighter and more at ease.

Start by noticing where in your body the heaviness lives. Is it in your chest? Your stomach?

Now imagine moving that dense energy up into your heart. Visualize your heart opening and releasing it. Breathe deeply. If it’s still there, breathe again. Keep going. Let light, aka-love fill the space. Let the lightness return.

One of my favorite insights comes from Arnold Patent, author of The Journey, who developed 19 Universal Principles. This one always speaks to me:

Oneness:
“Since the essence of everything is pure loving energy, in the truest sense, we are One. Oneness, love, is indivisible. Whenever we attempt to withhold love from anyone, we withhold love from everyone—including our Self. The truth of this principle becomes clear as we allow our hearts to open and feel our interconnectedness.”

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Your Body & Ataraxia

Ataraxia is a fun word. It means the absence of mental stress or anxiety—a peaceful, calm state of being.

One of the most amazing things about tuning into your body is this: at any moment, you can check in.

Where do you feel tightness or resistance?
Shoulders? Stomach? Neck? Hips?

Sometimes it’s from physical strain—but emotional tightness feels different. One of my personal goals became recognizing and clearing those feelings. For me, my body is like a direct line to what’s going on in my mind.

When I feel a tight spot, I pause and send my awareness to it. Some people visualize sending love or light there. I like imagining golden sunlight illuminating that area. Often, an emotion or thought surfaces as I do this.

I ask myself: Why am I holding this?
Then, I breathe it out. Let it go.
And most of the time, the tension fades with it.

Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life is a beautiful guide to this connection between emotion and body. One of her core ideas is:

“I believe you created those experiences over and over because they mirrored something you believed about yourself. It doesn’t really matter how long we’ve had a problem, or how big it is, or how life-threatening it is. The point of power is always in the present moment.”

That’s why tuning into your body can ground you. It brings you back to now—where your power lives.

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Pause & Choose Peace

Whenever possible, make the choice that leads to a quieter, more peaceful mind.

When you’re unsure, just pause and ask: Which option will help me stay balanced in the long run?

The key is in the pause. Don’t react. Just breathe. Trust the best choice will reveal itself.

It’s easier than you think. Start small.
Pause during the day.
Take one slow, deep breath.
Inhale.
Exhale.
That’s it.

These “peace pit stops” train your nervous system to stay calm—even in stressful moments.

Try it right now. Seriously.
Take one slow breath.
That’s how you begin. That’s how you make sure your emotions don’t run your life.

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Feeling vs. Emotion

Dr. Alan Watkins, a neuroscientist, breaks it down beautifully. Emotions are energy in motion—and there are thousands of them. Feelings are simply your awareness of that emotional energy.

Our work is to better understand this part of ourselves.

You’ve probably met people who hover around certain emotions—kind one moment, angry the next. The deeper question is: What emotions do you tend to orbit around?

Noticing your emotional patterns can transform your behavior. Instead of being a victim of your moods, you become a student of your emotional life. And that’s the path back to love, to peace, to clarity.

I highly recommend Dr. Watkins’ TED Talk, “How You Feel What You Feel” (Dec 18, 2015).
It’s worth every minute.