1I found it to be true for me that part of my sorrow was the idea that I was headed for divorce. The thought that I was going to be one of the 50% who never make a marriage work was really sad to me.
I had failed at marriage and my two beautiful children were going to have to suffer through it too. So, it was the death of the dream. What did the dream look like for you or how did you view the idea of marriage and how did that play out? These are some of the questions that may bang around in your head.
They say if you want to learn more about who you really are being in a relationship is a sure-fire way to find out. What you learn is that the things that make you happy will also make you sad and that person you fell in love with is your greatest lesson at this time in your life. He or she tends to be a mirror showing you your positive traits and negative ones.
So, depending on if you ended the relationship or they did you still deal with the emotional fallout from friends and family and if you have kids you will have to work together for your children’s events, sports activities and the list goes on and on depending on how old they are. MFW and I may have disagreed on a lot of things, but when it came to our children, we were on the same page most of the time. What helped is that she also knew that our kids needed their father, and I knew that they also needed their mother. Those people too selfish to share their children with the other parent (baring no issues of abuse from them) will after a time see that protecting them from someone loving was a detriment to them.
I have known fathers who take away sons from their mothers filling their heads with all sorts of bad talk about them, so that over time the child starts to believe the lies. This to me is one of the saddest and most painful situations that I believe will come back to haunt the parent and leave the child with emotional scars. For those that take the children against the other persons will. know that this will backfire because as I have seen time and time again everyone is insured by Karma and what goes around comes around. It may take some time, but it will unfold at some point.
If you have joint custody of your children know that you never really get away from working with your former marriage partner unless you have full physical and legal custody, but even then, you must remember the other person is still the child’s mother or father and they do need to still know them.
If your former spouse is abusive to your children. Then fuck-em (…an old English term meaning fuck-em). For some parents who are not involved with their children in some ways it may seem easier, but I believe over time the separation and even abandonment issues will need to be dealt with because children turn into adults and they may find that they need to know what the hell happened and why you acted the way you did.
It would be a good idea as your children get older that they have a professional to speak with when they are having problems. Maybe a trusted teacher, or older friend of the family, Aunt, Uncle. I know for me putting my children first when it comes to issues with the other parent always seemed to work out better in the long run. Dealing with all the emotions you and your children will feel need to be express to someone they and you trust. Getting a trusted counselor to work with besides reading and learning about the process for yourself is a valuable gift to you and your family.
Divorce may feel like the death of your dream, however if you learn something about yourself and the other person I know that it can be a catalyst for deep knowing and a greater compassion and understanding of the true nature of love and your ability to cultivate it more and more each day that passes. This is my hope for you.
