“You are not perfect sport” robin Williams from the move Good Will Hunting.
A friend of mine who was going through a separation, but still living in the same house as his wife said that it’s gotten bad and that all they do is have hallway sex (I thought having sex with a soon to be ex-wife was odd). He asked me if I knew what that was and I said no he said it’s when you pass each other in the hall and say fuck you! He replied. Funny and sad at the same time.
I will say that I thought moving out would be a hell of a lot easier than it turned out to be. This process too was very heartrending. The confirmation that we were going to separate led us to try to do it as painless as possible, so one night sitting at the dinner table each of us wrote down what we wanted to keep from the house we had lived in for over 12 years knowing that the larger assets would be split later in the divorce process.
I find it interesting that in our society we make the love that two people have into an institution and that it has to be recognized by the state. A marriage certificate is merely a legal recognition of a relationship that exists between two people dictated by the state you live in.
No one ever thinks they will get divorced and few if any ever check out their state laws regarding marriage and divorce and how those laws pertain to you and the ramification if you also have children. Usually it is never addressed unless you are fighting over assets, but since two people never go into a marriage planning for the “what if” they find out the hard way the first time they speak with a divorce lawyer who charges by the hour and tells them the cold hard facts of reality, which smacks them in the face. This aspect of divorce also piles on the emotional charge that comes in the course of splitting apart assets. The decisions you make during the divorce will affect you and your kids’ lives for years to come, so don’t just think of the immediate situation you are in, but also how you would like to see it unfold and what you think you can live with for years to come.
In my situation I made the decision to pay child support even though I could have fought it. Having decided to pay it I ended up getting the terms I wanted and that was joint, legal and physical custody of my girls. This worked out best because I still wanted very much to be a in my girl’s lives experiencing all that they would be going through as they moved into adulthood. I could not image not being part of their lives. This was one of the best decisions I made and with my former wife keeping the house we had lived in the girls were able to stay part of the time in the home they had known for years which in many ways was a little easier for me and for them.
In moving out what I did not know is that I would move 4 times in 6 years ( do not add this–Eve’s home Sept ’04 to Feb ’05 into duplex out Nov ’05 to house I bought ’06 then new home move in ’08).
Talk about a whirlwind with all the emotions that I was feeling most of the time was worrying about my girls and dealing with the divorce, I didn’t sleep well for months. To help catch up on my sleep I would take a lunch and eat and then take a nap in my car during my work day. I found this to help a great deal in catching up on sleep and also staying sane.
I have seen where some people try to live in the same house and work through the divorce, but I knew early on that I could no longer be in the same house with her and that I needed a place to clear my head and the heavy energy that came with being together in the same home and also divorcing. The energy is palpable when it is heavily charged with emotions and everyone feels it no matter what kind of face you put on it, children always know even if the parties try to hide it. I felt that having my own place to decompress and rebalance would be a good thing which it was, so I worked to get out as quickly as possible.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because they never get the house. From Web Joke Categories: Men/WomenMiscellaneous
The Day The Movers Came: The morning the movers came was bittersweet, on one hand I was excited to be out and on the other I was moving out of a house I had lived in with my two beautiful girls and to put insult upon injury we just remodeled the kitchen and the idea of leaving something so cool and moving into an older place was tough.
I remember helping the movers load the truck from the things we had agreed upon, it seemed surreal in a way, but I kept in mind that the universe seems to always bring an opportunity to you and your life circumstances if we just be open and aware to what it brings for you to learn. This happened when the older gentleman across the street that I respected very much came over and asked what was going on and I had to tell him that I was leaving and that she and I were separating. Seeing the sadness in his eyes made the pit in my stomach ache. It was the truth and it hurt like it would every time you run into an old friend that asks how the family is and you say fine or tell them the truth and see and feel the pain all over again. I realized that I was going to have to learn to roll with the punches and be ok with being vulnerable as things arise.
I had to keep in mind to not get too crazy because everything doesn’t happen all at once. Sure, at first it unfolded like emotional lava, hot as fuck and very painful. But, if you hang in their it will shift for the better.
I realize now that one of my greatest acts of kindness was to myself, which was being able to find something good in each day while going through this whole mess, granted it didn’t happen every day but being thankful for what I did have seem to take the edge off of what I felt I was losing. Also trying to have a sense of humor helped me because sometimes when you are done and drained from the day to day stuff it can be the only thing left to strive for while you carry on your life. I really hated hearing the old saying of “what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger”. Yes, I know it does but hearing it was useless when you are in the heat of battle and trying to just make it day to day.
If you feel like it would be easier to die to stop the pain and ache you are not alone. But know that the depth of your pain also allows you to be much more compassionate and feeling toward others in pain and also brings you to a new level in the height of your love. So, if you feel it to the bone know that love is also there, just covered up at this time. Your job is to slowly uncover it and feel the lightness and love that resides in your heart.
Moving out for the first 6 months, I was fortunate to spend it in a home that was empty and for sale. This was nice because even though I would be there a short time. It was a place I grew up in and was familiar with. Transitioning into this place helped ease the pain of being somewhere new and alone. I was comfortable there and that helped immensely, I think it was another gift from the universe to help support me. This was a time when I was trying to keep my focus in my business, deal with our sessions at the divorce counselor and have some semblance of order for my girls who I had half the time now. Being in this old house was strange with my two little girls, but we made the best of it having fun with me making sure they felt safe knowing that I loved them very much.
From there I went to a duplex for a year then after the divorce settled I started to look for a place that I could call home that would be a real home for my girls.
For me it was important to have a place to call home which would be our sanctuary from the world. A place to be away from the noise and emotions associated with living with the person I was going to divorce. This time was a recalibration of me, getting in touch with the person I was prior to the marriage because I had lost a part who I was in the relationship, a part of me that was less intense and more balanced and happier. Being sad and angry was not how I wanted to be moving forward. Somehow inside I knew and that things would be getting better and they did.
About a year and a half after my divorce things settled down even more, I was able to purchase a home were my kids could stay and have their own rooms and I had a place, a sanctuary (and my dog) to call my own. This new setting was my own space to be able to relax and not feel the energy of the pain and the heaviness of emotions being in the same house. It was a resting place where I knew I was going to stay and not have to move like I had done twice the year before. For me and my girls it was a place to heal and start again in a new way and a new way of living.
It is funny how life seems to be a never-ending cycle of stops and starts were again and again we forge our way through another change knowing that life as we know it will never be the same again.
As difficult as all this is you must know and believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that you will get through it like so many people before you. Know that the sooner you can heal yourself and deal with your heavy emotions like anger, sadness and possibly low self-esteem the easier it is to forgive and let go of the sadness and pain. What will come naturally is a more open heart that is ready to love and live the next chapter of your life feeling grounded radiant and full of life.
